Where I am

Wow - where to start?

Home: Ups n Downs as usual. Dad and 14 are both away for school related things on the East Coast - not together though. 10 (almost 11), baby, and I are holding down the fort. Usual ups n downs with H. Sometimes it feels like all he sees is what he wants. Sometimes it feels like we are sinking into a bottomless pit when it comes to money. He's often angry and depressed about that and about hating all of our neighbors. I'm just trying to get by. That's how I roll.

Work: Floundering. Was able to give up some of my responsibilities over this winter which was a fabulous thing. Was able to get through a bunch of things with the help of a Manager - which I haven't had in 8 years - who has since quit because it's so ridiculous here. Am facing awkward conversations about the state of the state w/my boss, his boss, and some higher ups. Am feeling much like a scapegoat and am not sure what to do.

This is the first time in YEARS that I have actually been able to focus on only the things that are at the core of my positions responsibilities - without being pulled in a myriad of directions. This is the first time that I am not wading through inherited past due contracts and projects and where I'm really kind of only looking forward. I just realized it yesterday. Now the consequences from the struggle have to be sorted out and I am feeling resentful that any blame at all will be laid on me. I'm tired of taking the blame, of rolling over and playing dead, of feeling badly about myself at work. How do I change that?

World: Feeling very small in it.

Faith: Still have it...I think....most of the time. It feels like lots of messages are being sent my way and I'm not sure I'm properly absorbing all of them or heeding them. I'm tired. Would like to put more effort into this area but..... I'm tired. I'm at this point where I just wish I could get something for nothing. True, I have had great blessings in my life. But I'm struggling and things look pretty bleak much of the time.

It's hard for me to think about why God doesn't seem to (want to?) recognize that living here on earth requires a certain level of materialism? Fuel prices are going up and driving the price of everything else up, groceries, goods and services, etc. The cost of health care is ridiculous - even with insurance. Idealistically it would be great if we could live in a self sustaining fashion and not have to work about work, wages, expenses, things - but that's just not how it is here on Earth. Am I wrong?

Weather: Kind of Marchy for April. Windy, blustery, cold and rainy. Today it's clearer but still windy. This weekend is supposed to be snowy. Any day now I keep thinking, the warmth will come for good and the trees will begin budding and blooming. That I look forward to.

That's about all I have for now. Hope this finds any reader in good health and good spirits - even if it's only me :-)

Peace