If only.....

If only I could be more like him. If only we all could be .... more like him. I suppose then he would be happy.

We are ruining 13. It's not good and I'm not happy about it.

Today H called to say that, after going into 13's room, he decided to "have a talk" with her about the lack of cleanliness. Does she have some issues? Yes. Have we determined that they are anything different from any other 13 year old....I'm not really sure because she's the only 13 year old we have. But I do hear from some other mothers that their 13 years olds have similar struggles with cleanliness.

So today the issue was this - he thinks she needs counseling over cleaning her room...and he told her as much. WHAT A FREAKING MORON!

Then he proceeded to call me and tell me what happened and compare her to me because he goes into the babies room and sees things of the baby's that I leave around and I go to counseling....(in his mind because I apparently have a cleaning issue??)...and so 13 is probably getting this from me and should also go. GAWD! That ticked me off.

He sees things in the baby's room not put away because I don't have a freaking spare second except for a few minutes after 9:30 p.m. or 10:00 p.m. in between when the baby goes to sleep and I fall asleep totally exhausted.

True, 13 doesn't keep up with her room. She doesn't appear to know the difference between clean and cluttered. She doesn't appear to be affected by the guinea pig bedding all over her carpet....or the empty water bottles on her floor...or the laundry in piles. But, from what I hear - neither do a lot of other teenagers. Their minds are focused elsewhere and their priorities reflect that.

H doesn't recall this because his mom cleaned up after him and only worked part time. But he also had a sty of a room as a kid - his mom said so.

I'm just so tired of him acting like he has it all together and everyone else should learn from him and be more like him. He's as messed up as any of us. He's constantly lecturing people on cleanliness and I'm constantly picking up after him. Let's revisit....

He never cleans up his cookie mess - either the cooking items OR his glasses or crumbs.....

He leaves his socks and shoes everywhere...even in the forbidden "walking path" of the kitchen where nobody else is allowed to do so.....

He leaves stacks of paper, books, and mail anywhere he feels like - usually over 1/3 of the dining table......

He piles his laundry on the floor in our room rather than running down to the basement to grab the hamper he left there.....

His version of cleaning involves taking everyone else's shoes, coats, gloves, etc. and throwing them down the stairs to the basement floor AND piling up everyone else's things either on my dresser, on the stairs, or stuffing them in a paper bag for someone else to deal with. His stuff he will then put away...sort of

His desk is PILES AND PILES of crap visible to everyone who walks into our house, but he is upset over the girls school work being left out more than 5 minutes after they finish their homework........

He spits in the sink and leaves....ewwwwww....right on the sink bowl surface.....

He NEVER cleans the toilets but makes the biggest mess.....

Sometimes - oh yeah - sometimes he leaves the bath rug ON THE FLOOR instead of hanging it up......

He stacks his hunting stuff wherever it's convenient for him.....

He wants the car seat not to be kept handy in the living room, but he insists we keep his giant exercise ball by the fireplace for when he exercises (once a month).....

He NEVER folds laundry. He just throws it in a pile to get wrinkled and then complains that his clothes are wrinkled......

Get it? He's not perfect. None of us are. He just thinks, in his head, that he's perfect. That causes him to be overly judgemental about the rest of us and put undue stress on us through criticism. Not that I'm not affected by that, I am - in a BIG WAY. But the girls are still forming their personalities and their opinions of themselves and their identity - so they are WAY more susceptible to his negativity than I am.

So what the heck do I do? How can I ever make this clear to him? I don't want to support his idea that our oldest get counseling for cleaning her room. I think it's stigmatising for her. It's an out and out statement that she is not good enough and needs help to become better....psychologically.

How do I mediate this issue? I can't always be the one saving people. I can't always be the one calming him down and trying to work through every issue with the kids myself. I need a partner.

He's not a partner these days. He says he doesn't "have time." Well heck neither do I, but I do it anyway even if something else doesn't get done. They need constant guidance, support, education, encouragement. not criticism and labels.

enough