Nothing...and more

Nothing. Everytime I come here either wanting to dump, vent, or expound on, information or ideas or events.....I can't. Once I get here it's nothing. So I tried just typing it up on Word so I could cut and paste, but by the time I'm done writing about it it's meaningless and I delete it and move on. Therapeutic in its own right to some extent I guess.

H - Frustrated with his negativity, bad attitude, criticism of me and the girls, self righteousness, hypocrisy, dictatorial attitude, mood swings, neediness, illnesses, poor me mentality, paranoia, twisted interpretations. Tried to tell him how he's affecting everyone. Tried to get him to recognize all that I do. I feel totally discounted when I'm trying so hard to do it all. I've realized that it's just this side of verbal and emotional abuse and I told him so. He's constantly dissatisfied with everything I do or don't do and blames me. He's constantly dissatisfied with the kids and when he insults them he tells them they make him do it. I told him I don't want them to marry someone like him and he'd better change if he also doesn't want them to be attracted to boyz who are sometimes mean, but deep down are good people. What a fucking crock!

Kids - Frustrated with their lack of initiative at home...yet understanding. Worried about the impact of our arguments on them - especially 10. Not even especially 10 but also especially 13. She's just as susceptible. Tried talking to H but his response is always "then I guess I'll just have to leave the family if I make everyone so miserable." They are trying to avoid the issue and make their own happiness. This saddens me. They are just trying to get by.

Sis - had lapband surgery and yet she keeps eating KFC mashed potatoes and gravy. Can barely fit anything into her stomach and what she chooses to put in there is KFC, chips and dip, dinty moore stew, and other such crap. On Medicaid so they paid for the surgery...and she's not going to honor the investment made by at least TRYING to eat healthy or live healthy. Instead she sits in front of the boob tube 90% of the time or on the pc surfing e-bay. Guessing her husband was right to put her on an allowance.

Mom - she keeps supplying that crappy food for sis. She allows her to stay 12. Instead of being happy for me when I find a new job opportunity and apply she sulks. I know she's wishing she'd applied for it. Or maybe she did and doesn't want to tell me. I know she envies what I've accomplished in the same company and how much money I'm making - not tons, but much more than her. I feel badly about that.

Work - UGH! A nightmare. I'm so far under I will never recover. I just found out that the new manager they're hiring is only funded for 18 months. Figures. I applied somewhere else for equal pay but much less responsibility. I hope it happens. I hope it happens. I hope it happens. I hope it happens.

Therapy - haven't been there in a long while. Had to cancel my last appt. when my daughter got sick. Just can't fit it in and can hardly tell if its doing me any good. Wish i could send H to therapy.

Money - I did it again. I pulled out some funds from my 403b which should have paid two months mortgage plus all current bills...and then some. Somehow I pissed away 1,000.00 - half of it on groceries and another 300 on gas and prescriptions and co-pays. So I suppose it's not pissed away but it's gone before I could apply it to other bills.... BECAUSE I PROCRASTINATED!!! So I guess now what's left will go to bills and I'll have to figure out how to pay next months mortgage payment.

Me - I keep eating McD's. I don't know why. I feel like crap when I do and I've gained 5 pounds. All through my pregnancy and for months afterward I only desired healthy foods and it was so easy. But now I love fries and burgers and chicken and other such crap. Gotta get out of that rut. I've even been eating H's cookies he makes every night. I've NEVER even been tempted before and find even one more sweet than I can take. but now I can eat 3 or 4....or more. It's dangerous :-) H doesn't like it either lol. I love going home every day to my kids. They are everything. I dread H coming home. I love going on errands even if it does run me ragged because the girls come with me, we talk, and H isn't there. I wish it were different.

Im feeling down. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm praying for a miracle. I'm praying to be rescued.