Feeling Better???

just came from therapy and am feeling markedly better. after days and days of just random crying at the drop of a hat and without a seconds notice, i made it through a whole therapy session without a tear or a whimper. yay me!

h did his homework for my therapy session.....sort of. he was supposed to write a list of all of his complaints, categorically, re: the house, the kids, work, our relationship, etc. He wrote pretty much one broad complaint about each and i think mixed one in about me with something else. i didn't keep a copy and K kept it for the file. something about "mind games". i can't say yay or nay....maybe i do...probably....maybe i dont. on some level i guess i do. but i KNOW we all do.

i didn't realize how much just talking about things in a protected environment, when its all about me, really thoroughly helps. it energizes, lifts the spirit, provides some level of clarification and validation about what i'm feeling. it's good. a general feeling of positivity and hope arises.

still i feel like she may be oversympathizing with me. it makes me hold back a bit from the full extent of venting i might like to do about h because i dont believe, and dont want her to believe, that he is 100% of the problem and i am perfect. its just that its my session and it can be about me, so she's just hearing my side. so - if K ever reads this, i hope she understands that i just don't want to be let off the hook while H is left on.

so - if i havent already said it there is one major issue that we've been coping with. 10 had a mental breakdown that is reminiscent of an anxiety or panic attack. it has persisted for over a week - not in attack state, but the general anxiety symptoms. it's so rough for her. i'd take all of those feelings on myself in a second if i could. it's so crushing to see her suffer the way she is. she's too young and too small to have to cope with this.

she can still function day to day ~ go to school, play with friends, eat, sleep, do homework, etc. But through it all she is masking the constant "bad feeling" that compells her to desperately search for and confess any deed, thought, or word that she feels she's done or used for a wrong purpose or in a wrong way. it's very OCD.

every night is fraught with anxiety, worry, self doubt, confessions, jitters, lack of peace, racing thoughts, stomach aches, restlessness.....it's torture.

i have to admit that at times ive grown a bit tired of hearing the confessions. they always start the same. "i have to tell you something....but its embarrassing..." but she has such a difficult time saying it that i usually have to guess while she gives me hints. sometimes she can write it down. or this morning i suggested going one word at a time until i can finish the sentence. sometimes it's something so miniscule i can't imagine how it could have been embarrassing or hard to say or even worrisome. it grows tiresome. sometimes i just want to say "enough already!! - keep it to yourself!" of course i don't.

at this point i dont believe all that she says. it seems like the "bad feeling" started first, then she felt like she'd done something wrong and tried to figure out what it was. then she confessed it and felt better. but the bad feeling came back. since confessing worked before, she decided to try it again. thats how it became a pattern. now i think she's to the point that shes just making up stuff or confessing to things that shes only THOUGHT about doing as if she's really done them just for the sake of trying to get those few moments of relief.

things i need to do. figure out some sort of schedule that keeps her structured and in a routine, reduces chaos, encourages family meals together, minimizes television and pc, gets her AND the family out for walks daily, and helps her to refocus.

whew. that took care of any good feeling i had to start with :-)

Peace