CRRRRRRRRAP!

Friday was HELL DAY!!! I have not had such a terrible awful rotten no good very bad day since....I don't know when.

It was one of those days where one thing after another happens and happens and happens again, each thing taking me in another direction, causing increased anxiety and stress, adding stacks and stacks of files and paperwork and deadlines and pressure to me and my life. I just wanted to run away!

Just when I thought I could start to dig my way back to the bottom, during the last hour of the day, someone drops a bomb.

I check my messages and this client says he wants to talk to my supervisor. CRAP! That's ALL I need. First I will say that I am largely at fault for the issue, I and my procrastination and avoidance. Second I will say that I have not done nearly all that I could or should have in any sense of the time it should have taken me.

BUT....this particular person happens to speak very very very little english. Speaking to him is incredibly frustrating because he acts like he understands what I'm saying, we shake hands, he leaves. Then an hour later he'll be calling me upset wanting the information I just gave him when he was in my office.

If he calls and leaves a message and my voice mail message states that I am out of the office and says when I will return - he gets upset that i haven't returned his call even though the message says I am out of the office. This is because he doesn't really understand what he's heard. This has certainly been the case lately as I've been out of the office every damn chance I get.

Additionally I can't really understand him. He gets angry when I gently say that I'm sorry but I just can't understand what he's saying, and we keep trying. I try to go through his wife, but this just pisses him off. His culture is one where the wife is somewhate subservient and he flat out says it makes him angry that I can't understand him, but how is that my fault?

Therein lies my only justification for the ongoing difficulties - and that's only a 1/4 th of the issue. The other 3/4 lie with me alone.

SO. I start to send my boss an e-mail to give him the heads up because he's out of the office. Because so much stuff keeps happening, the phone doesn't stop ringing, people keep stopping in, etc. I am not finished with it by the time he arrives back in the office and I find out that the "heads up" has now become an afterthought because he's already heard from the guy.

I hate this. I hate being called on the carpet. I hate it because all I have are excuses, because I deserve it and it forces me to face the fact that I am failing ..... HUGELY. It creates such a level of stress and anxiety in me that I just want to run home to my family and disappear with them.

Thankfully he gets sidetracked with a phone call and I have to leave to get the baby from daycare. Praise Jesus that it happened on Friday afternoon and I have the entire weekend to escape and hide out.

Unfortunately today is Monday and I'm back. He isn't right now, but eventually I will fricking have to face up to it. I drove here this morning finally realizing that i really have to quit. I have to find some other job before I've completely burned my bridges here and end up fired and unable to get another job. After all, I didn't win the lottery....again.

My first e-mail of the day ~ not from Boss, which is a good sign that he's not pissed at me and is buying my pathetic excuses. But it's from another client I have sorely neglected and she is pissed. Happy Fricking Monday. I buy time saying I'm on my way into a meeting and I will call her as soon as I'm out of it.

But now my pathetic lack of organization has me searching for a stupid phone number so I can call the people she needs to connect with so I can set up an asap meeting to get her issue taken care of. I am an idiot.

All I want in this life is to be able to stay home and take care of my family - I hate going to work every single day. I lose sleep every single night thinking of it.

So today, again, I'm avoiding the phone - letting it go to voice mail. I know someone on the other end has a question I'm not prepared to answer, or is pissed off at something I haven't done due to avoidance issues. And I'll check voice mail over and over and call back the people I can handle and try to come up with some results for the people I can't...before I call them. The usual.

I just want to be at home with my baby where I feel safe and in control and happy.