The saga continues

A little miffed. Miffed at myself because I was careless and now my account is overdrawn. All of those little purchases can add up very quickly. Miffed at H because when I told him this he gave me “the look”. “The look” is one of disbelief and judgement.

Come on! Who the hell is he to judge me? We are both in this mess. He had zero dollars to contribute to the household during this time, and at least the money I spent went to groceries, diapers, and medicine for the baby. Ok – I did buy my lunch out several times because I just can’t get it together to pack a freaking lunch.

But I am RARELY overdrawn and he is overdrawn every freaking month. So who is he to give me "the look?"

My boss just came in to discuss the status of several projects. All of my work issues are really bubbling to the surface right now. I can see it in his face every time he comes to me for more information. Another stalling tactic, another excuse, more things I’ve forgotten. He’s not blind and I’m sure he’s putting the pieces together. This is not good.

I have to have the talk with him. I have to tell him what’s happening. It’s going to come out through process anyway. I might as well fess up. I've been rehearsing it out loud each day on the way to and from work. It's not an easy thing to do to admit your shortcomings, to admit that you can't when you've always thought you could.

If only I could afford to quit – to just drop it and move on. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I'd honestly rather run away from it all than fix it. Mostly because I just don't know if I can and escaping is more appealing than failing. At least if I leave it I can say I left because of them, or I'm doing the best thing for them and my own sanity, rather than actually having to say I just can't do it.

This morning I was psyching myself up for a productive day of work. I now realize that lists just don’t work for me right now. So instead of making a list of things that need to be done, but which I know I will not do, I should just do something – anything – to completion. Then I should list the things that I complete.

Think about it. It then becomes a list of achievements/successes, small though they may be. It is not a list of to do’s looming over me taunting me about how I’ll never be able to do it all, or intimidating me with how I can’t do it well enough.

Yet, here it is almost 11:00 and I have made just a few phone calls and had a meeting with my boss to discuss files – and that only because he walked in and sat down so I didn't have a choice.

What to do, what to do…..