No Earthly Idea What To Call This Post

Ok - so I said I broke down crying. True. I was a mess. Once the topic of work arose it was like a floodgate opened and I bawled my eyes out and rambled on about a thousand tangential issues.

When I left I was really conflicted and confused and full of chaotic thought. So many issues and thoughts and emotions and no sense of organization or meaning. I was also wondering about future therapy appointments - they seem so focused on me and H and it's really work that I feel I have to figure out. After all I am happy when I'm at home - comfortable, content - and can't wait to get home once I leave work. Yes, there's tension, but work is so much worse.

But it's weird how I leave there wondering sometimes what I've accomplished and later it all becomes more meaningful for me. It's like she knows what questions to ask to make me think about things which it never occurred to me are actually partly causing my issues.

So this time she gave me assignments for me AND for H.

H and I were at home alone after I got home from work - except for the baby. I told him about what happened in therapy. I told him what my issues are at work - explained how I can open a file and look at it and either not have a clue what to do or, I do know what to do but physically and mentally am frozen and can NOT do anything at all. It's a sense of helplessness and confusion and lack of focus.

HE TURNED OFF THE TV!!! HE TURNED OFF THE FREAKING TV, turned around in his chair to face me and listened!!! Of course I was crying. Usually my crying seems to mean nothing to him - not that I cry usually....but when I do it's always a source of pain for me that it seems not to affect him in the least that I am in some kind of anguish. So he listened and, for the most part, let me say my peace.

He offered a good suggestion - that I should see my regular Dr. about finding out if I could have a chemical imbalance after childbirth - or if my thyroid levels are off. My meds went up and up and up during pregnancy, so now that I had the baby my meds might be too high. High levels cause anxiety. Duh - why didn't I think of that lol???

He also went off on a vent about how all bosses are out to screw their employees and its all about money - their money - and they are just using their employees to see how much they can pile on them before they break. "they're trying to break"you. Natch I don't agree with that. Yes, I'm in a crappy situation - but I don't think anyone is intentionally seeking to break me.

In the end he also said he would do what he could to help ease the stress at home. He agreed to do the homework: write down everything he has a complaint about categorically - house, kids, me, work, life, school, etc. as long as he didn't have to do it right now.

This morning he made breakfast for me while I was feeding the baby just before I had to leave. Still breastfeeding so I am actually stationary then. Then he went about packing up my pump tote - putting the bottles back in there, etc. He was helping without being asked. I hate every morning that he sits and drinks his coffee and watches tv while I run around trying to get things done and taking care of the baby and getting myself ready, etc. He actually helped and it was great.

hmmmm - lots to think about.