Humiliation

So, we are at our wits end. I am of a mind to call creditors and negotiate reduced or eliminated interest rates along with payment plans - even to work with consumer credit counseling if I can't manage it by myself. I want us to sit down and do full disclosure and plan our way out together. H has resisted full disclosure for the year and a half I've been asking for it. H wants someone to give us a loan - I should ask my mom to take out a mortgage on her house when we already owe her several thousand from a loan this winter. I let her know we are in trouble, but don't ask for anything. I know she's thinking about it though.

Then .....on his moms birthday no less..... he lets loose in a conversation with her about our debt and our money problems!!! I catch him and tell him to zip it!! He realizes what he's done and apologizes to her. He hasn't asked her for anything but now she's all freaked out and worried.

I truly believe that if we tightened our belts and proceeded with a practical approach we could clear this up ourselves - most of it within the year, some of it would take longer. That's the hard way.

But the next day my daughter tells me that H's mom called and wanted to talk to me and she sounded sad. I know what she wants to talk about and I don't call her back. Joe pushes me to - of course he wants ME to have this conversation and I resent that. Eventually she calls again and my daughter hands me the phone so I can't avoid it now.

She starts talking about what H said. I start crying. How fricking humiliating to have your mom-in-law talking to you about your financial failures. I did NOT want to have this conversation! We should work this out on our own like adults!!! She was offering to help.

She threw out a large number to ask if it would help and I reluctantly admit it would take 2.5 times that amount. She calmly says that all she wants is for this burden to be lifted from us and that we could pay her back principal only. She had the funds liquid and assures me that it would not impact her day to day affordability at this point - after all these are only her retirement fund. (GAWD! - could we be more beastly???)

She decides that she is going to send the money to us the next day and only asks that we agree to live more practically and to make regular payments of principal only. We agree.

We tally up the debt and outstanding bills and give her the number. The money is on its way. I do feel a great sense of relief that I don't have to think of those things through the very lean winter, but also feel a great burden because we have borrowed the money from family. I also feel totally embarassed and humiliated because now this person knows what total idiots we are.

I'm grateful, but at the same time it sucks.