Therapy Updates

Yes therapy is already helpful and insightful! I don't want to duplicate posts and I've already put an update on Z's life....(link on my profile)... but there was definitely an eyeopening occurrence at my first session.

Natch it hasn't changed me yet - after all, here I am blogging at work instead of doing the oodles of work that I'm backlogged on. That, if I hadn't said so, is the main reason that I NEEEED therapy. I just so loved being able to spill my guts though. It was energizing.

Here's another major reason - one which really has me puzzled. I turned down an opportunity for a promotion yesterday that could have increased my salar by as much as $8K right now. At the time it seemed really rational and practical and the more I think about it the more of an idiot I feel like.

Truth be told I know, based on my current work practices or lack thereof, that I couldn't manage the promoted position. Truth be told, my boss knows that too. He, however would have given me a chance at it while I was not willing to give myself a chance. I don't know if I did the right thing or not.

My reasons were that I am not at the right stage of development to have given the position and the dept. all that it needed from the right person; that I don't have enough knowledge about, or interest in certain areas this person would be responsible for; and I want to keep my options open for involvement in a more diverse array of activities as they come into this dept. over the next couple of years because I am feeling a bit stagnate in my current responsibilities. In my head I was also thinking that I don't want to committ to more responsibility and accountability when all I really hope for in this life, at this time, is to be able to afford to stay home with my kids and be a mom and wife.

I was happy at the time because after that other options for me were discussed that sounded really really great, AND I did manage to request a re-classification of my title along with a raise that would be more in keeping with the level of responsibility I would eventually take on. My boss seemed wholly accepting of that and is already working on getting me part, if not full, time into another location in the City where I live....and just down the hall from where my baby goes to daycare. To be back close to home and my kids and their school, and my baby. That's my dream right now. That's all I really want - that and economic stability lol.

As usual, despite knowing from years of experience that I should not tell H about this, I spilled the beans thinking he would support me and trust my judgement. WRONG!!! All he could see were the dollar signs I passed on. Of course I didn't tell him how much, I downplayed that. After the discussion got tense I said "you'll just have to trust me and believe that I know what I'm doing." He said "I do trust you - I trust that you can't handle that and that you don't want it." What a negative thing to say to me. Not that it isn't the basest truth in my own head - but a little support and love would have been great.

The last time I was offered a promotion with a sizeable raise about which I was unsure - I caved and took it. I've been unhappy ever since. H said he would support me, that he would understand that it would mean more hours, or I might have to bring work home with me over a weekend sometimes, etc. He never did. Although I rarely worked longer hours or brought work home - if I did it became a HUGE issue.

With regard to my job all H would like is for me to find a better job that pays more and has better benefits, which still allows me an exceptionally flexible schedule, but is closer to home so I could maintain a better handle on house cleaning and meal preparation.

So now I find myself second guessing my decision. Did I sell myself short? Is it legitimate to not want the added stress?

One of the changes that will come my way is taking over an educational workshop series. This sounds wonderful - interpersonal, educational, direct contact with clients. This is for me. It's nights and weekends sporadically throughout the year - which means I'd have a very flexible schedule as far as taking time off during the weekdays for my family. Like for field trips, volunteering at school, participating in school activities, or being home when my kids are home without losing income. It could also keep the baby out of daycare quite often and allow me more time with her when I'm not busy cooking and cleaning and helping the older girls with homework. I'm excited about this.

But, should I have challenged myself by shooting for the promo position? Knowing that I am such a mess in my current position - should I have bucked up and made a go of it?

of course I can't tell H that I'm in therapy because I can't focus on my work enough to finish anything that I need to. he already knows I have those issues at home and that already garners disrespect and his attempt to "parent" me. So I really can't tell him what is at the core of my not taking that position.

What to do.....