Therapy revisited

OK today was my 2nd appt. and I'm a little conflicted. It's great to be able to talk about me, myself, and I and have the other person sound like their totally on your side. But I'm not looking for someone to give me excuses. It sounds as though she is telling me that I am too hard on myself - that I either don't give myself credit for what I do accomplish or that I expect too much of myself and therefore am constantly disappointed. Maybe also that I judge myself against what I think others expect of me (namely H)

What I didn't like was that:
1. It did sound like she was giving me excuses for being the way I am. I feel like I'm flailing and floundering and can't focus or get things done. It SOUNDS like she's saying that should be expected because I'm a mom, have a baby and two other kids, work full time, and have things to do at home. It sounds like she's telling me to do less when my problem is that I'm not doing enough. Not sure who is lost there - me or her.

2. It also sounded like she was making a negative judgement about H based on things I said. I said how much he does around the house, but also said that he'd like for me to be doing all of that - that he has an idealistic vision in his head that I just don't meet up to. I feel like it's because I don't try hard enough or my "thinking disorder" prevents me from taking action when I know I should so that things get done and he doesn't have to nag. All in all I wanted her not to place blame on H- I'm not sure if she did. It's still early and we can only cover so much in an hour.

There were tons of things I wanted to cover but couldn't. She was right to zero in on my relationship with H in that there are some serious feelings of inadequacy there - seemingly on both sides. It's probably true that if we communicated better and understood each others lives and positions better things would be more harmonious, thereby reducing stress, thereby making it easier for me to cope outside of the house without being so distracted.

Still all the while I kept thinking that I really wanted to talk about work. I really wanted to talk about how to fix what's going on there - like my finding anything to do but my work and that everytime I try to focus on my work I will accept and pursue any level of distraction just as a means not to do the tasks. Right now...I'm doing this when I should be putting together materials for a contact who I've already put off for a week. He's expecting it today, I sucked at our last meeting due to lack of preparation, and now I'm kicking myself for not tackling this last freaking week!!

She reviewed my list of times and reasons why I beat myself up over the last week and she was shocked at the number of them and the reasons and the degree (I rated each occurrence on a scale of 1-5; 5 being YOU IDIOT!!) I actually didn't think it was that many. Then she asked me to review them and count how many could have life changing impact - or the results/consequences from those occurences - and five of them could. HUGE life changing impact.

My next assignment is to make a list of all of the household/life expectations of me and of H - what we are each expected to do and accomplish around the house and with the children and with respect to our mutual personal life. Then to cross out anything that isn't getting done. Then to work towards reassigning various responsibilities. The thought being that I do too much, or am expected to do too much. I'm hesitant because I think I do too little and even when I have the opportunity to do something I choose not to - maybe just so I can veg, or to watch tv, or to hang with the kids, or to whatever. Anything not to do it. We'll see.

So she said she'd love to get him in there - I think she wants to kick him in the ass. lol But I'm not ready for that - not even ready to tell him I'm in therapy. I think he'd go but I don't want him going into a situation where she might have already formed an opinion that he's doing something wrong.

I hope that doesn't prevent me from being honest with her.

Conflicted.