Things they are a changin

Ok

1. It's girl - as evidenced by the very very very very very thorough level 2 ultrasound performed just a couple of weeks ago which took like TWO WHOLE HOURS;
2. No - we have no names selected;
3. The woman who was going to cover for me during my maternity leave - the only one who has a clue about my job - has just resigned;
4. The next key non management staff person in our division has also just resigned - angrily and for different reasons;
5. I have submitted my resume to a company closer to my home, which could mean a pay cut or could mean not being able to cover H with health benefits, but could also mean a return to sanity!

That's the news at this point. Now onto the other stuff.

I am the person in my immediate family who has become charged with the hosting of all family and holiday functions. When I was a kid it was my aunt and the WHOLE family went so that people were at the table, on the couch, on the floor, kids running rampant, etc. Now its just my family and my sister, brother-in-law, and mom.

The reason I got thrown into this position is A. I love to cook and entertain; B. I have consistently been the only person with room enough to host everyone; C. my mothers house is waaaaaaaaaaay too messy and cluttered and chaotic for anyone to feel comfortable; D. my sister's house is pretty close to the same; and E. my sister has become moderately disabled (not entirely physically).

I hosted t-day, as usual, and my fam came to eat but didn't lift a finger to help. Sis started helping with one hors d'eouvres but stopped before completing. Mom started to help set the table (upon request) but only got as far as putting out the plates. Nobody helped cook, or serve, or clean up, or even buy the ding dang food.

Factor in that I'm pregnant and my belly sticks out meaning I have to bend slightly to do all the chopping and prepping at the counter and sink. It also means that my back gets more tired as I tilt the pan to get at the turkey au jus every time I have to baste or collect juices for gravy. Oh yeah and we did the turkey in a nesco, which I borrowed from my mom, and she brought it over dirty so I had to wash it before using it.

So anyway I was miffed that nobody really helped or even offered to help. Not even to clear the table. H made a small effort and treated me with sympathy, but even his efforts fell short. I let that slide though because he had been at work that day, and worked the rest of the weekend as well. Nobody else in my family was at work all week.

As a result, H and I decided we were not going to host the usual x-mas breakfast or lunch. We'd host the gift exchange, but that's it. coffee or eggnogg or soda, but no meals or hd's or big efforts. In fact we talked about making crab legs for ourselves just because we could. (my fam has a thing about not wanting "non-traditional" holiday meals) We'd just lay back for the xmas holidays and chill - watch movies, go sledding or skiing (not me of course), and enjoy our own lil fam.

We hadn't told anybody this so when sis called and offered to make prime rib for dinner I said that sounded ok. Then she added of course that she would need to cook it in my kitchen and host it at my house. Surprise, surprise. Still I half heartedly agreed, knowing that I'd have to work for this regardless of who was supposedly going to cook, etc.

But then I found out H doesn't like prime rib and he asked if they would mind making brisket. I suggested that and sis seemed really put off. She of course assumed that he'd never had it prepared properly because who could possibly not like it??? But I said if she was uncomfortable making brisket or something else, it would be best to just skip it rather than cook something that not everyone likes. Strike one....MILLION for H in their eyes.

She didn't say yay or nay so I looked up brisket on line and it's apparently easier to prepare than a hamburger so I forwarded recipes. This garnered a call from mom asking "what's all this brisket business???" "that's not a holiday meal!"

So I offered up that H and I really weren't that keen on hosting a big family meal - that t-day had really knocked me out and I knew I'd be even more tired another month into pregnancy and another month bigger. I suggested that if sis was really dead set on prime, that was ok with us but maybe it would be better if she prepared it at home just for the three of them. If they really wanted to contribute something to a get together they could just bring hd's for the gift exchange.

Next I hear they are hosting a prime dinner for themselves and friends. They want to come over for a gift exchange, but don't want to bring anything. Funny how they can cook and host for a group when it's friends rather than family???? Anyway I guess that's ok. They must have been set on the prime and couldn't picture settling for anything else.

It's the attitude I hate. God forbid we want to spend a holiday in another way or with H's family instead. It's like we've ruined their holiday - no matter what holiday it is.

When, at Easter, we decided to make a largely vegetarian spread ( to accomodate a mostly vegetarian friend) except for the delicious steaks we did on the grill my mom insisted on making and bringing a ham. Because what is easter without ham??? Whatever!

I'm just tired. I'm tired of everyone expecting me to do everything. It's worse for H. He's the only local able bodied and capable male relative for them. They expect him to be available for everything they need - gutter cleaning, windows, occasional snow blowing, repairs, etc. And if he's not available right now or on their schedule, they cop some kind of attitude. Then I have to be the middle "man".

I want my mom and sister to clean and declutter their houses. I want them to want to host a holiday. I want them to want to help me do it or to want to, and to offer to, clear and clean after a hosted meal.

I want my family to treat H with some semblance of respect for the fact that he works and has a life and although he'd be happy to help them with stuff, it would be great if they'd be patient and not nag the crap out of him and then complain about how he does it.

My family just doesn't get it. Can they not see how they are behaving? Am I being too judgemental? Is this how they behave with friends? Could this be why Sis's friends are getting more and more distant from her? Are they expecting too much of us, or are we expecting too much of them??

Its not that I/we don't want family. We just don't want it to become an obligation.