Unbelievably Unhappy

I am unbelievably unhappy. It's amazing how, when a person feels this bad, there is nobody to share that with ~ at least not without feeling like the listener is being burdened. Who wants to dump a bunch of negativity on a friend, or a loved one??? So blogger, you get the to carry the load.

I am so unbelievably unhappy it's difficult to function. It's difficult to be awake without crying. Maybe that's why depressed people sleep so much ~ because if they were awake, they'd be crying constantly??

No - I don't think I have it that bad. It's not a medical issue. Nothing that could be cured with medication. It might make me care less about the real cause, but it wouldn't fix it.

It washes over me mid-day Sunday, when I begin to watch the clock, dreading every passing minute that brings me closer to sleep. Once I sleep I know it will only be a minute until I have to go. It will feel like just a few seconds until I have to be back at work.

It grows as the day wears on, and I become more edgy and irritable, more needy and just want to lean up against H and feel the security of being at home.

By Monday morning I'm drenched in anxiety and depression, my mind never stops racing through all the things I hate about where I'm going.

I think that I have been headed down this road for about four years ~ ever since the first big change came. When I first had to split my time between two counties and two bosses and two jobs in the same company. When I had no choice. When I first had to start sacrificing my family and my planned existence to satisfy the employers needs, and to ensure that everyone else in my department didn't get their hours cut.

Each time my office was moved to satisfy someone else's needs, or more work was heaped upon me because someone else couldn't do it or some other staff person wasn't being replaced. Each time I relied upon a promise of "it will get better when.....(fill in the blank)". Each of those times I lost a little bit of my self assurance, a little bit of my value, a little bit of my purpose at work.

So, finally I'm in the last place. I've finally "joined" a permanent division/department. My work has merged into their space. But we are two very different and separate entities. I am still just one, and they are even more of a team then they ever were.

There is no more hope in me. Not here. This has become a place of disillusionment for me. The promises are filled based on someone else's vision of what is right. The location is based on someone else's need. The scope of work is based only on dollars and not at all on the purpose and the function.

I've got the Director, but he rarely has time for my work. I've got the location, but have no room. I've got the job, but have no budget. I have the work, but have not the time or staff to make it happen effectively. I have the job, but not the title or authority to impact the vision.

Who is constantly called into question for this? Me. If it's a system problem, it's my system. If it's a time problem, it's my time management. If it's a staff problem, it's ...... well, me. If it's a money problem, it's too bad.

Last week must have been the straw that broke the camel's back. Our division - two departments - completed their contracts last week on schedule. One department, with office staff, assistants, field crews, inspectors, qc staff, a manager, and a customer service rep, rec'd a party. At that party they rec'd thanks from the powers that be, some cheesy t-shirts, clothing allowance checks, bonuses, and merit days.

The other dept., mine, with only me, rec'd nothing.

So today, the day after the weekend and before the holiday, when the entire division is off on a merit day - in fact they are off all week - I am the only one working. Ok, right now I've taken a break, but that's only because I started crying in the middle of completing a report. DUH!

I am unappreciated. I am undervalued. I am discounted. I am lost. I am feeling so incredibly unhappy. And....I don't know how to recover.