A Serious Issue

Recently discovered that my 12 year old daughter is hoarding, stashing, hiding food in her room. Mostly junk food, but it could be anything.

We limit snacking in our house, encourage healthy choices for snacks, make healthy meals. We don't allow the kids to get hot lunch except on rare occasions because it's all grease and fat and not heart healthy. We once let the kids have it for one full week and my oldest visibly put on about 7 pounds. True.

Anyway I've discovered that she's hoarding food. She trades food, or asks friends for their leftover "stuff" and puts it in a zip loc and brings it home. I don't know if she eats it same day, or keeps it for when she has the craving, but she's hiding it in her closets.

We thought we had confronted the issue and sorted it out. We explained the reasons for our healthier choices and also encouraged her to talk to us if she had a particular craving or desire for a certain type of food. In moderation that could typically be accomodated. No prob. But never to have food in her room and NEVER to hide it.

But yesterday I confronted her about her unbelievably messy room. She becomes so stressed about it and it's so bad that she can't face it. It's a very strange psychological dynamic. Well ~ not so strange because I have read that it is typical with this age group and that it will get worse before it gets better.

Anyway I recognized that the best way for us to deal with this would be to deal with it as a team. So I went into her room with her, and without criticizing, I began working along side her picking up garbage, sorting through clothes, straightening up cd's, etc. I had found more food in her room and reminded her of the problem we'd discussed and told her to take it downstairs. Funny thing - she didn't come back. Soon I realized that I was cleaning her room.

Then I spotted the empty zip loc that clearly contained chocolate and some type of white filling ~ somebody's cupcake or ho ho or something. I called her on it. Also made her come back up stairs and help me.

Soon she was stressed over the likelihood that she was going to miss American Idol. It was a HUGE deal for her. We tried to explain that nobody was watching tv at that time ~ it wasn't as though we were being unfair. We tried to explain that it was just tv, just a show, just people that she doesn't know. But it was SO important to her. In the end we agreed to tape it.

I'm feeling as though there is a control struggle going on. Whenever we tell her to do something she begins to cry as though we have just ended her world. She will bargain, plead, try to apply conditions. To no avail...well sometimes to some avail.

Typically, when she's gone through phases like this, all the way back to toddler hood, it can be attributed to a mental and/or emotional growth period. A child develops more abilities or thinking and speaking skills and the parents have to recognize that and adjust their parenting to recognize that and to give the child more opportunity to put those abilities and skills to use.

Same now I suppose. She needs more challenge, more responsibility, to put her skills and abilities into practice. She needs more autonomy and support at the same time. I just don't know how to create that balance.

There is of course the concept of PMS as well. She's 12 1/2 and hasn't yet started her period. I've talked with her about it, explained what occurs, what it means, how to deal with it, about mood changes, etc. That doesn't mean she can control it or that we'll know when it occurs. PMS does also bring about a lot of food cravings and strange eating behaviors. For me I am absolutely starving 24, 7 for a week or so. I can eat and eat and eat and not gain a pound.

Maybe we need to talk more about those symptoms. I don't know. I'm worried about the lying. I'm worried about the food hoarding and hiding. Mostly I'm worried about the lying. I'm worried that I can't trust her over the tiniest things. I'm worried that the wall is going up.

I'm open to suggestions.