Karmic Energy
This is a long rant....a vent. I'm not sure if it will do any good and you may not want to waste your time reading it. It's more just because I need to get it out there or I will explode! I can't get through a freaking moment without thinking of it. I've cried every day since it occurred and I don't see an end for a while - until I can get it hashed out on the work front.
Maybe I F'd up my Karmic energy. God! I was feeling soooooooo great! I was worried that I was too proud or too sure of myself and of how things were going. Maybe I was feeling a bit above something or someone else. Maybe I had bad thoughts or did bad things. Maybe it was all of that. Or maybe it was the little bit of worry that created the negative energy that has now just bit me in the ass.
It all started with an e-mail. The head of the Co. (we'll call HC) sent me an e-mail requesting that I make some copies of some docs for an investment partner that was coming for a visit. Reasonable request since I was the one coordinating his visit and taking him around to various projects. Now keep in mind we work in a pretty informal atmosphere and I'm very comfortable communicating with HC in general.
The docs were at HC's location, two miles from my office, and I sent this e-mail:
"There is a thin binder in the front of the drawers for the [projects] that contains copies of those - the end of the drawers closest to your office. [The Fiscal Mgr] knows where they are. Maybe [the Admin. Assist.] can make copies?"
The response I got was a relative rant. It was not appropriate to the nature of my request and is too long for me to include. The point of it was that HC was considerably miffed at the notion that I told him to do it himself - which I did not. It went on to say that I apparently view people at the HQ office as annoyances - which I do not. Then it went on about my position, its intended function, that if I cant handle my work load I should talk to my direct supervisor, that he acknowledged I was busy but so was everybody else, and that I must still go over to make copies of the docs. It started with "let me offer some gentle mentoring". It stated that I need to make some changes to my communication style. It said this is not the first occurence.
My jaw literally dropped and I was stunned. All this in response to my request that the admin assistant make the copies?? He could have responded that no, this person didn't have the time. Or he could have said, why don't you ask the admin assistant if she has time. Or he could have said, I'd prefer you handle it so we're sure we don't miss anything. Any of those would have been reasonable responses.
I couldn't figure out what he meant about repeat occurences. There's nobody I've been annoyed with and I haven't had any disagreements. If anything, all I hear about me is that I'm flexible, a good communicator, a catalyst for team work, and personable - easily likeable. Who could be complaining about me??? I racked my brain and couldn't come up with anything I'd done to offend. So, I asked. I asked by e-mail and I asked in person - HC gave no response....wouldn't or couldn't offer anything up.
Why would HC assume the worst from my very short e-mail? Why would he assume that someone with no history of being antagonistic or irritable suddenly got flip with him in a short 3 line e-mail about such a small small thing? Why would someone assume such a negative thing about me? That was hurtful and it leaves me feeling self conscious and judged. I feel like every time I go over to that office everyone is looking at me and someone is glad I got my ass kicked.
Either HC had some other issues he was dealing with that day that caused him to respond so inappropriately to me, or there is some negative feeling he has about me that he's never conveyed or talked through with me which influenced his response. Something that's been building. If that's the case I feel I'm due either an apology or an explanation.
If indeed people have been complaining about me, why would THEY assume the worst about my intentions if I've never in my 13 years here ever given them reason to think that I have even the slightest negative feeling toward them? And why wouldn't I be entitled to know who and what and correct whatever happened?
And - since HC brought up within the e-mail all kinds of things about my position and my workload...lets talk about that.
Over the past many years while staff have been cut and not replaced, but work has remained. My workload has gotten bigger and bigger. When they eventually took some chunk of it away and moved me to a new location, it was replaced with more...and more. When I took over work that other people couldn't manage - they were treated with sympathy and understanding and I am treated like a completely unwanted pain in the ass. Why am I treated with disdain over a heavy work load and other people are protected and treated with tenderness?
This leaves me feeling wholly unappreciated and completely unmotivated. I thought this morning...what if I kept driving and didn't go to work? I can't get past this.
Then I found that another employee had the exact same run in with HC on the exact same day. Also "gently mentored" about communication style.
So here's my other theory. HC is just very controlling, right down to what someone should say when, and how. I've heard him talking with other people saying "I would say...." and "Be sure to include...." and "Use the words..." or "Use the phrase..." In the course of those conversations - with Exec. Mgmt no less - I've heard him essentially dictate the text of entire letters. So maybe it's all about control. Maybe he was truly miffed that I would dare suggest someone else do something that he asked me to do?
In the end the reasonsing or logic of my request still is moot. In the end, I think out of principle for his argument, he still requires that I drive the two miles over there to copy the docs that are already neatly put together and readily retrievable and copyable, rather than have someone who's already there do it and put it into interoffice mail. The other suggestion was that I have the office assistant here - who doesn't even work with/for me - drive the two miles over there to do the copying and bring it back to me. The interesting thing is that person is not available to me. That's really frustrating to me now.
I'm frustrated that, as a department of one - one person doing the job of 2 to 3 people - I am left hanging in the wind. It's disheartening to see other staff so clearly protected and appreciated while I go relatively unnoticed. Quiet employee who makes no trouble - she must be no good.
When I asked point blank why it is that the dept. that is supposedly at the core of this companies mission and strategic plan is so pathetically understaffed, I was informed 'there just isn't the funding'. Hmmmm well there was enough funding from my dept. to fund a new Exec. Mgr for another dept who didn't have the money. There was enough funding from my dept. to fund an Exec. Mgr for my division - which never before existed. There were enough funds to pay the HC a bonus when a certain investment capital benchmark was achieved with my help. But...hmmmm there's not enough funds to staff the dept.
You would never say there's just not enough money to fund fiscal management. You would never say there's just not enough funds to fund an HC. You would never say there's just not enough funds to fund an Exec. Mgr. No - those are all necessary to the successful function of our company, it's divisions, it's departments, and it's programs. But, you would say there's not enough money to fund the front line that actually runs the programs that provide the money to pay for all of those other things???? HUH?
I give up.
1 Comments:
I had a tense moment with my boss today as we discussed a project that should be done, and yet is nowhere near it. And part of my answer is that if I'm doing all this, other stuff won't be getting done. I'm already working a ton of unpaid overtime for no incentive and no reward. You can only get so much.
The ultimate response, which is true, is that we're all modules. And if one of us burns out, we'll just be replaced with another one until it burns out. It's a short-sighted and stupid business philosophy, but it's very popular.
Yorum Gönder
<< Home