June Cleaver Gets Tha Blues

Today I'm feeling anxious, a lil depressed, lost, and completely without focus. It’s fair to say that I’ve become unmotivated, disinterested, and have experienced a huge loss of energy where work is concerned. When I first came to this location I remember seeing K’s enthusiasm and motivation – like a kid fresh out of school and anxious to please and succeed. When I saw that I clearly remember feeling wistful ~ remembering the days when I felt like that too, and I missed it. If I felt like that now - if it was about someone else and not me - maybe it would all be bearable.

Last night I had terrible and strange dreams. I dreamt that this awful dirty hugely fat naked man was chasing me and one of my co-workers. I was totally afraid and desperate to get away but I could barely move when I was running as hard as I could. My co-worker was always in front of me and going too darn slow, but I didn't want her to get caught either.

The co-worker in my dream – she’s never been in one of my dreams. She went on vacation to NM, then called to extend it, then didn’t come back. Her family came back, but she stayed there. That’s reality – not part of the dream. Wish I could do that.

About a year ago I was dealing with this totally inept person at another company that we subcontract with. I constantly caught him in and called him on his lies. There was some level of pleasure in that for me I must admit. Even though I knew that the reason for his ineptitude was partly due to the fact that he had more work than one person could possibly do. One day he called in sick, then another, then another, then he didn’t call and he didn’t come back. Secretly I admired him for being able to walk away in the middle of the mess and wished I could do the same.

Every Sunday night when I know that with the morning comes another day at the office, I am filled with anxiety and fear and sleeplessness. As though if I just stay awake reading or watching tv, the morning will never come. The night seems longer when you’re awake than when you’re sleeping. Sometimes I feel so trapped, like there are no choices, like they have me under their thumb ~ it’s a hopeless sort of feeling.

This morning as I was driving to work, I looked down for a second. When I looked up I was nearing the center line as one of those trucks that carries cars to dealers was coming towards me. It was an easy and effortless adjustment to move back. It didn’t even startle me. At that moment I thought, if I hadn’t looked up it would all be over now and I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. Poof. Then I said to God that I didn’t really mean it – I think of my children and I’d never in a million years leave them. It’s only how ennui I feel that makes me think those things.

It must be PMS. Every month I go through a phase when I’m short with my kids, easily irritated, think dark thoughts, feel anxious and out of control. PMS compounded by a job where I’m not happy, fear of my new financial responsibilities, and ice cream right before bed. lol

Twice I’ve caught myself saying “I want to run away… I just want to run away” out loud and in front of my children in a moment where it’s appropriate to nothing. Just for the record I would never never never run away from my family – just my work and the pressures that go with it. I don’t feel any loyalty to them because I don’t think they have any loyalty to me. First and foremost is my family.

In a perfect world……I would be June Cleaver. I wonder if she ever felt like it was all too much for her?

J