Pathetically nice - BLECH!

I am pathetically nice.

Yesterday things got a lil tense on the work front when my work with a particular client ended and I referred him back to a qc person to follow up an issue this client had with his program. The qc person also happens to be a field supervisor - so he's "in charge" of actual people. We are probably on pretty even playing ground based on our positions or level of authority or importance.

Anyway qc is a bit of a drama queen - for a guy. And he was shooting snotty e-mails around in a very defensive and angry manner about things that nobody had any beefs about. My response was just to play it down and acquiesce to certain things and to reassure him that there was no ill will. Another staff person said incredulously "how can you be so NICE?" My reply - it's just easier and not so counter-productive.

And so it goes at home... I was really noticing that last night. On my way home at first I'm apprehensive, then a little depressed, maybe a little angry. After Ken said I should tell H off, I actually found myself going through the motions, out loud, driving home from school on Wed. night. Then, just before I get home I suck it up and try to walk in with a positive and upbeat attitude. Hey honey! Tell me about your day! Can I get you anything?

Yea that's right, I just walked in the door after working eight plus hours and going to school for four and he's in his pj's sprawled across the bed and I'm saying can I get you anything. Because...... I know..... he's been laying there for fifteen minutes waiting for me to get home so I can get him something. I know.

Oh good - my turn to talk about my day. Six words get out of my mouth and his face turns towards the tv, his eyes glaze over, and he says (without looking at me) "would you turn that up?" Sometimes it's not even the tv. His eyes just glaze over and he walks away. No lie. He just gets up and walks away. And I just sit there with my mouth agape - incredulous that this is my life. He says I should not talk about work and I should not think about work. He can...about his work...but I can't.

Despite this, when I'm dead ass tired last night after a hugely exhausting and stressful week, I stay up because he is excited about going back to school and he wants to talk about it. It's important to be open and to encourage that kind of enthusiasm - he needs it. Everyone needs it.

As usual his excitement turns to worry and then to dread and then to absolute defeat when he realizes that the only way he can earn $600,000.00/yr in his desired field is to get a PhD and that's too hard and he's too old and that'll take too long and he wants to retire by 65. I reassure and say he's getting ahead of himself - get through a semester and see how you feel. He's 4 credits shy of being a junior and about 28 shy of his desired degree. Not so bad.

The other day he was throwing the ball for the dog and I walked out to hang out and chat with him. I looked around and commented on how beautiful and green and lush everything looked. He said "sure, until July when the rain stops and it all turns brown and everything is dead." What does a person say to that?

Apply that reaction - his - and that statement to every positive feeling or statement you might ever say and that is what I deal with. This is why I have to force myself every day to suck it up, to be happy, to work around things and people, to get over it. Thank God for blogging or I'd prolly explode.