Chaos Ensues

My Weekly Career Horoscope

You'll have to make up your mind between clients and coworkers or peers early this week, as you won't have time to make everyone happy. Pick a side and stick with it through Wednesday. By then, you might feel exhausted by the competing claims, but at least the pressure should mostly be off. But you still won't feel up to the daily grind, and if you can work at home you'll do much better than you will at the office. Cash flow or some other financial issue will worry you over the weekend; try to respond intellectually and keep your feelings from influencing your decision too much.

My Week So Far

Everyone wants something from me and they want it yesterday. Lenders who want subordinations all think they should take precedence over anything else I'm doing. Contractors naturally want money. Customers want me to bring them the world on a silver platter and scold the contractors for looking at them cross eyed. Other organizations want me to do the leg work for their clients because it's not their job. Guess what....it's not mine either. People with leaky roofs, eviction notices, no jobs, no homes all want me to fix and find all of those things for them. Auditors want numbers. Bosses want reports and updates. Grant writers want data and narratives. Everyone wants it yesterday.

H wants me to take time off to stay home and hold his hand while he's sick, make tea, say and do all the right things, do the laundry, do the grocery shopping, tend to the kids, run errands, answer his business voice mail messages, and never leave his side.

I'm stressed to say the least - most of all over the home thing. I have difficulty dealing with extreme neediness. I understand the value of love and comfort when someone's sick, I try to do what I can. But I also have finals, kids, work, housework, and I'm not feeling so great myself. God forbid I should get sick - because there's just no point to that. A persons body shuts down in an effort to force a person to rest and get well - even if I get sick that opportunity to rest and get well does not exist for me. So the whole purpose is lost and therefore there is no reason for me to get sick.

Yes, mostly its the home thing. Every day to have whatever I did wrong pointed out and harped on. You didn't say hi to me first, you didn't offer to get me tea, you didn't check on me enough, you didn't sit and hold my hand, you didn't get all the laundry done, you forgot to fill out the insurance survey, you forgot to pick up the auto parts, you may not skip church, you didn't buy any orange juice, you didn't discipline the kids right, you disciplined them too much, you didn't remember the right music sheet for someone's lesson, you didn't exercise the dog, you slept at night instead of getting up to keep me company, you spend too much time on home work, you don't spend enough time on home work, you shouldn't think about work, you shouldn't talk about work.

Then come the why's - why did this happen? why didn't that happen? why do you always do this? why do you never do that? Oh and by the way - what did you eat today? Why didn't you work out? Have you joined a gym? Oh and nevermind the 20 lbs I packed on - I'm really just concerned with your body. Oh, and take your vacation days when I need you to but don't think about taking any "personal" days because then you won't be available to take care of the kids when they're sick or to accompany the fam on a trip when I want us to go.

It feels grey. It feels black. It feels foggy and heavy and hard to see through. It's suffocating. It's unhealthy. It's infuriating and frustrating. It's demeaning and belittling. It's hard. It's hurtful.

Not taking any classes this summer. Just planning to focus on home, health, and work. The end. One day a week at the beach, plus weekends of course. Some trainings and conferences. Some reorganization at home and at work. Some new goals. Some reading. Quality time with the babies.

Tonight is my last night of class - my final project presentation for the semester. Then I'm off for the summer. I didn't do as well this semester as last, but I had six more credits than last semester. Still I think it's a B+ or better avg. I'll find out in a few days.

H is ready to enroll in a local U. He met with the Dean of Admissions. Funny thing - I told him to do that over a year ago when he first was denied admission based on past academic performance. I said to go meet in person, talk about your past, your accomplishments, how you've changed, and request reconsideration. That was a stupid idea. Recently a friend suggested the same thing - best advice he ever rec'd.

I'm feeling very thoughtful and pensive these days. Driving through the farm country is the hardest because it feels like freedom. I mean - I know farming is hard work and far from freedom. Maybe it's the appearance of wide open spaces, freshly turned soil, green shoots sprouting all over the hillsides. But it feels like freedom and I just want to pull the car over, walk out into the middle of a field and lay there staring at the sky. Not go to work, not call in, not tell anyone. Of course, once the nice young men in their clean white coats showed up I guess notifications would go out lol.

Life is chaotic now. I'm feeling restless. So glad summer is coming.