The End Of My Rope

I'm writing this and not knowing what the title will be. I'm not even sure of the content.

This morning H asked me if I'd had "that meeting" with my boss - one that was scheduled the other day but which I couldn't do because I had to stay home with my sick child. When I returned to the office I didn't exactly have "that" meeting but had a different one with him.

So I started to tell H "not exactly, but here's what happened..." and he kept cutting me off because it wasn't matching what he was expecting. Rather than just let me tell him what happened, he got frustrated because I was telling about "a" meeting instead of about "that" meeting.

The message to me: He doesn't really want to hear anything that I WANT to tell him. He only wants to hear the preceise and exact information that he wants to hear. Nothing else. It's true. And in a moment of clarity I realized that is true all the time. He NEVER really wants to hear about what I have to say. He just wants to hear what he wants to hear. It's true about my work. It's true about my friendships. It's true about my family. It was true when I was in school. It's true about the kids.

We had a HUGE blowout over the weekend. I have not stopped thinking about it although we are sort of living like it never happened. For me it's created a huge awkward wedge between us - a true divide. I can't remember exactly what I said - something innocuous - but what he repeated back to to me was not even the words I used and certainly had nothing to do with the meaning of what I said. This is typical of him. I don't comprehend how it's possible to literally change the words someone said to you and believe that this is what they said. I've even recorded it at times to be sure it's not me that's crazy.

He was stressed about starting back to school for a 3 week intensive summer class and trying to figure out how to balance work and school. He had a migraine - probably part stress, and part that he just won't censor what he eats. Naturally that translated into super hell for everyone who lives with him. He ranted about the kids being lazy, nobody but him doing anything around the house, everything being bullshit, etc. etc.. I had just had it.

I'd just finished doing some dishes in addition to unloading and loading the dishwasher, cleaning the counters and stove top, bathing the baby, doing a couple loads of laundry, and was getting ready to clean the pool before it got hot out. So for him to say we all do nothing??? What? The point being that no matter what I'm doing, it's not the right thing. In this case he was mad about papers on his desk.

So he takes all these piles of papers he creates on HIS desk and throws them all in a giant black plastic bag and into the driveway. He believes that since he doesn't have the patience or time to handle bills and paperwork I should be responsible for all of that, organizing bill payment, keeping track of correspondence, medical statements, insurance, mortgage info, reciepts, tax paperwork, filing, etc. So he just piles it. His logic "because I don't have time to do it, she does." But I DON"T! So there it all sits.

He's the one that takes a swim every day after work. He's the one that goes swimming on the weekend. I'm the one that has the baby, does the dishes, does the shopping, does the cooking, does the laundry, etc. - all in the couple of hours after MY job and after I pick up the baby from daycare. Then he goes to his "room" in the basement and watches tv, calls people, does his homework, checks his e-mail, etc.

He really would have thrown all the papers away. Including the paperwork he brought back from the accountant that included all of our mortgage info and copies as well as copies of our returns. So I had to sit in the driveway sorting through papers. Oh - and not just papers. Electronic equipment too. He threw away the printer/charging base for our Kodak digital camera, my pda, and various other things. Just threw it all into the driveway - where i sat in full view of the neighbors picking through a big black garbage bag to sort it all out.

It was humiliating, belittling, a HUGE control move, aggressive, and yes - I'll say it - abusive. What he did was seek to humiliate and belittle me to help overcome his own stress levels. I pointed this out to him and basically told him he was an angry, abusive, bitter man and I felt sorry for him. I said he either had to take action - through counseling - to fix it or find a divorce attorney. He's done neither. I'm still considering the divorce attorney.

Really - can I raise my daughters in this environment? It's not helping them. Truthfully I think they'd be relieved if I divorced him. I, for one, would be glad to get out of a situation where we live beyond our means in a home where the driving force behind everything we say or do is Dad's mood and trying to avoid humiliation and criticism.

At the end of my rope.

Countdown

Counting down the day until my departure from here and entrance into a new chapter in my life! Five more business days. One two hour meeting per day next week to transfer information to those that will take over. I CANNOT WAIT!!!! OHMYGOSH!!!

I'm so excited. Each day I let go of a little more work and a little more responsibility and a little more anxiety (which is an every day part of this job). I look forward to going to work and doing my work at work - then going home and NOT doing my work or thinking about my work.

It is such a relief! Thank you GOD!!

I finally did it. After AAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL these years, I finally got off my duff and am moving on. Friday I turned in my resignation. Whew! What a HUGE relief. You know, I think I even had an adrenalin headache by mid-afternoon.

So I knew there was some possibility that my hours would be cut, or my position could be terminated, sometime (really ANYTIME) after the summer. When I heard that I admit I looked for ways to stay. A different position in another dept. was offered me....even farther from the type of work I like to do. But I nearly went for it. Ultimately I didn't because I knew I just needed to get OUT.

While I would have preferred to find something very close to home - someplace I could walk to. Someplace close enough that I could visit my younger daughter at lunch (the older one being in high school would probably be MORTIFIED if did that for her). It is at least slightly closer, and H and I could share a ride once in a while and that would help with gas costs.

Anyway - it's a completely different type of job. I'm a alternately excited as heck, and nervous. Oh, and it's temporary. It's a two year special project position. I figured that was ok because who knows where we'll be in that time after H graduates. As long as it gets me moving in a new direction.

So - as of July 18 I will be done....here.

Answers

Ok - if I wait for other people to guess at them...It'll be never so, here goes:

1. Because they're from Holland
2. The letter S
3. 22 or 220
4. A River
5. The door wasn't locked
6. Someone built a snow man before the snow melted and the carrot was the nose, the coal was the eyes
7. His car is being delivered & he is walking home (Don't ask me why anyone would ever do that, but that's the answer)

Now: Who is this historical Character? "HOROBOD" (Remember - it's a word puzzle)

Positivity?

Julie commented that my post sounded positive - a couple posts ago about my house n stuff. I had to go to the blog to see what she was talking about because I felt like I hadn't posted anything positive in a while. When I re-read what I wrote I had to laugh because - that was the edited version. The first time I wrote it, every topic ended with a downturn or complaint. It bothered me so much that I edited all the negativity out.

Sorry that I can't tell u the answers Julie - cuz not enough people have tried them. But I will soon. The trick is to not think too complicated, think simply.

Weathers nice here. Dry, breezy, and sunny. But the areas around here that have creeks and rivers and flooding - the water's still rising. Travel throughout the state is a bit tough because of detours and closed roads n stuff, thankfully I don't need to be going anywhere.

I MISS my kids. I really really really really wish I could be working closer to home so I could see them, run home at lunch, be available in a pinch, maybe take a break to drive them to their activities once a day. I really feel like such an absentee parent from way over here 40 minutes away.

Next week I have a job interview, which is good. I mean it's a good job, a change, maybe a challenge. But it's NO closer to home. It is in an educational environment though, so that would be a good change. Still I'm applying all over close to home, hoping to find something I can walk to or ride my bike to, but which still pays the bills. I mean I could take a hit of a couple hundred a month if I didn't have to drive to timbuktoo to work.

It will be good to get out of this job. PLEASE let me find a good job close to home! That would not only change my life, but my outlook on life.

Ciao

Warning for Residents in High Water Areas

In late summer, early fall 2007 it was determined that high waters in our area were causing excessive decomposition of organic matter in soils. That in turn created high levels of Carbon Dioxide in the atmosphere and it also pushed through foundations into peoples basements and homes. Carbon Dioxide gets rid of Oxygen.

21% of the air is oxygen. If the air has less than 19% oxygen, a mask is needed. Anything below 14 percent could be deadly. Homes in this area were tested as low as 6, so the occupants had to be evacuated until officials could figure out how to combat or correct the issue.

It came to light when people called to say that they couldn't get the pilot lights on their furnaces to stay lit, and that they were feeling dizzy. They call a Utility Co. Tech who detects high levels of CO2. The Tech calls the Fire Dept. The Fire Dept. calls in Haz Mat! An investigation ensued, and voi la, the cause was determined.

Honestly I don't know how the solution was ever determined, if it was, but thought I would share it as a warning.

Brain Teasers

1. Why are so many painters Dutch?
2. EVEN LE IX I ONE : The same letter is missing five times from this series of letters. What letter is missing?
3. Take away 2 from 222. How many different answers can you come up with?
4. What has a big mouth which is forever open yet cannot utter one word?
5. A prisoner survived ten weeks in a cell without water and with a 20 cm thick steel door between him and a fresh water well in the next cell. How?
6. You are walking along a field in early spring and find two lumps of coal and a carrot. How did they get there?
7. Bob has just bought a new car. On his way home from work he is so excited at the prospect of showing it to his girlfriend that he is not concentrating. He goes past a red light without stopping, bumps into someone in front of him and then turns into a "No Entry" road. A police officer observes his actions, but makes no attempt to arrest him. Why?

Ok that's it. I'll post answers another day.

Other life updates

So....since my last post that had anything to do with work I have learned that my job will be slashed if not eliminated altogether. The walls are finally crumbling and the rubble is landing on me. Figures. Am I bitter? Yes, a bit. Do I own some responsibility? Yes, a bit. Do I feel betrayed? Yes - absolutely. Do I understand when companies downsize? Yes, absolutely.

Anyway I am searching for a new job before the end of the summer, when the Guillotine is scheduled to fall. I don't know what that first fall would mean.

It's probably the kick in the pants I need to get off my duff and move on. I've been here 15 years. That's a ridiculously long time in this day and age. So I'm trying to approach it with whatever positivity I can muster - especially so the kids are aware but don't see it as a life ending occurence. _ _It happens.

I've acquired some great references over the years that I think will serve me well - as well as lots of diverse work skills.

So - what else. We have about five different colors of stain on the back of our house as we try to decide what color to paint the house. It will be dramatically different - from a medium tan/brown to something very dark (grey/blue/green). But we haven't decided what exactly.

All of the nasty dirt in our yard, exposed after evergreens were yanked out and a fence was rebuilt, is finally covered in soft new grass. YAY - it almost looks nice lol. Now if we could just get a handle on those weeds!

We're building a changing room in our garage for people using the pool. It's looking really nice and will have a bench, cubbies, and hooks for people to use. I'm excited about painting that to make it look really fresh and bright. YAY!

The baby is walking and talking. She's trying to say everything! Such a hunger for knowledge. So pleased to see that.

Oh, sad news. 14's ginuea pig died....on the day of her graduation. It was very sudden. We're going to get a new companion for 11's pig, but they won't have girls in stock for another week or two. She took it remarkably well during the day - it was a busy time - but got a little teary eyed later in the day.

My kids are amazing. Have I said that lately? They are so amazing. We are very blessed.

The Cost of Working

I already e-mailed this to Ken, but I think I hadda post it too. I've been hearing about people shifting to four day work weeks to save on gas. That's one of my biggest issues - the rising cost of commuting to work. Especially when I drive the jeep which gets about 17 mpg.

So - I thought maybe I should ask for a four day work week. For me the added benefit would be an extra day I can keep the baby out of daycare and that related savings. But just what would that savings be? Well, with consideration for my cars mileage (the Honda and the Jeep), teh cost of gas, the number of miles to and from work, the hourly and daily cost of childcare, vacation time, holidays, sick days, etc. ALL considered:

HONDA

• 38.66 per week
• 45.86 per week if you factor in that I'd save another 7.20 per week by picking up my daughter 1/2 hour earlier each day from daycare
• 198.57 per month
• 1,700 to 2,100 per year

JEEP

• 43.06 per week
• 50.26 per week if you factor in the shorter daycare days
• 217.63 per month
• 1,980 to 2,300 per year

Right now the cost of just gas to get me to and from work plus daycare is:

• 8,891/yr (HONDA); or
• 9,903/yr (JEEP)

Tell me. Is that ridiculous or what??? That's the actual net cost just to cover the expenses that allow me to get to and from work, and which allow me to work at all by providing child care for my toddler.

Now to do the more involved calculations of factoring the value of work through employer sponsored insurance; paid holidays and vacation time; and whatever other benefits (slight tho they might be) my employer provides.....well that's just beyond me at this point.

Peace

Where I am

Wow - where to start?

Home: Ups n Downs as usual. Dad and 14 are both away for school related things on the East Coast - not together though. 10 (almost 11), baby, and I are holding down the fort. Usual ups n downs with H. Sometimes it feels like all he sees is what he wants. Sometimes it feels like we are sinking into a bottomless pit when it comes to money. He's often angry and depressed about that and about hating all of our neighbors. I'm just trying to get by. That's how I roll.

Work: Floundering. Was able to give up some of my responsibilities over this winter which was a fabulous thing. Was able to get through a bunch of things with the help of a Manager - which I haven't had in 8 years - who has since quit because it's so ridiculous here. Am facing awkward conversations about the state of the state w/my boss, his boss, and some higher ups. Am feeling much like a scapegoat and am not sure what to do.

This is the first time in YEARS that I have actually been able to focus on only the things that are at the core of my positions responsibilities - without being pulled in a myriad of directions. This is the first time that I am not wading through inherited past due contracts and projects and where I'm really kind of only looking forward. I just realized it yesterday. Now the consequences from the struggle have to be sorted out and I am feeling resentful that any blame at all will be laid on me. I'm tired of taking the blame, of rolling over and playing dead, of feeling badly about myself at work. How do I change that?

World: Feeling very small in it.

Faith: Still have it...I think....most of the time. It feels like lots of messages are being sent my way and I'm not sure I'm properly absorbing all of them or heeding them. I'm tired. Would like to put more effort into this area but..... I'm tired. I'm at this point where I just wish I could get something for nothing. True, I have had great blessings in my life. But I'm struggling and things look pretty bleak much of the time.

It's hard for me to think about why God doesn't seem to (want to?) recognize that living here on earth requires a certain level of materialism? Fuel prices are going up and driving the price of everything else up, groceries, goods and services, etc. The cost of health care is ridiculous - even with insurance. Idealistically it would be great if we could live in a self sustaining fashion and not have to work about work, wages, expenses, things - but that's just not how it is here on Earth. Am I wrong?

Weather: Kind of Marchy for April. Windy, blustery, cold and rainy. Today it's clearer but still windy. This weekend is supposed to be snowy. Any day now I keep thinking, the warmth will come for good and the trees will begin budding and blooming. That I look forward to.

That's about all I have for now. Hope this finds any reader in good health and good spirits - even if it's only me :-)

Peace

V-Day

Valentines Day.....

Wake up and nearly forget that it is. Thankfully I've left cards and heart shaped boxes of candy for everyone downstairs on the table - where they'll find them when they go eat their breakfast.

Happy Valentines Day to and from the girls.

H is a different story. He says as he reads his card "I hope you remembered to buy yourself one of those." I guess I didn't expect much more. I guess I don't entirely care...but to hear "happy valentines day" might be nice. Even good morning would go a long way.

He barks at the kids, this is wrong, that is wrong, yadda yadda. The sitter is sick and although he only has one class, he refuses to come home early to take over for me so I can go to work. I check to see if daycare can take her and they can - from 9:30 to 3:30.

Turns out that he comes home right after his class anyway. Baby stays at daycare. I'm madly rushing through tasks at work trying to deal with things that MUST be dealt with before I have to leave early to get baby from daycare. H would get her....but he might be sleeping, or he might be at the Dr. (In the end he was at home, but I still had to leave early to get Baby from daycare. To date (Since Jan. 1) I've used a little over two weeks of personal time for Baby illnesses and child care issues.

Someone asks me if I rec'd anything for valentines day. I say no, but I'm sure H will be extra nice when I get home or will have cooked dinner or cleaned .... or SOMETHING. He will have realized what an ass he's been and will have shifted gears.

WRONG.

He's yelling at 10 because she doesn't understand fractions. Railing at 14 for i can't remember what. Grudgingly takes baby so I can help 10 w/math and get dinner started. 10 minutes later he walks back in holding the dangling baby sideways under his arm like a doll exhaling like he's under great stress. Hands the baby back to me as he says "this isn't working - I can't get anything done here."

Then comes the complaints about where I parked and how of course I didn't consider his needs. Nope - I considered my own needs as I came back into the house in the freezing weather with the baby in the car seat with the diaper bag and my purse and ....

At that point he moves onto the kitchen because I'm not getting dinner done quickly enough and he needs to leave to go study elsewhere. Once he's gone...we all exhale....and breathe.

Lightness and laughter fills the air. We joke, we relax, I get dinner for the kids. Mostly I take care of the baby who isn't in the greatest or easiest mood - likely a reflection of all the tension she sees every day. I get the girls to bed and I get baby to sleep in my arms as I watch the boob tube.

When H gets home he busies himself finally making some dinner in the kitchen. Never a hello. He sits down at the coffee table and starts eating. Never an acknowledgement...never says, hey are you hungry? or Can I take the baby for you? no.

So I say that I'd like to eat after he's done if he'll take the baby or if I can get her to bed. Then Mom comes over.

Baby wakes up, H gets on the phone w/his parents to wish them Happy V-Day. Mom, baby and I play on the floor. H finishes on the phone and I say I'm ready to get something to eat. That pisses him off because he's about to make his nightly cookies. So I rush and shove the food down my throat - as usual. So typical.

What a crappy Valentines Day.