Cast of Characters

I was just rereading REEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAALLY old posts and decided that I should just settle on a defined cast of characters.

1. BOB: Boss of Bosses. That would be the boss of my bosses boss aka the boss of the whole company; the head honcho; the head cheese (lol)....sometimes also known as - oh I can't say.
2. MOB: My own boss. That would be my current boss who is a relatively recent addition to my dept. of one.
3. HERB: Her boss - my bosses boss. HERB used to be my boss, but when they hired MOB she filled a position in between us that had not existed for some 7+ years
4. FM - fiscal manager. This person is supposedly a nice person but has SUCH an attitude issue. Personally I think he's very much behind all of the over the top control measures that have been implemented throughout the company. He is usually a HUGE source of consternation for me.
5. H = husband
6. 14 = my oldest child
7. 10 = my second child
8. Baby = well...the baby of course aka lillun

I'm sure there are others. But that's just something I thought of as I read through old posts.

Random Thoughts

1. My mind is in turmoil. I can't decide if I am feeling truly depressed over various issues - if my feelings are justifiable and valid....or if I'm just PMS'ing. I'm just feeling very very sad. It's not a good feeling for the day after Christmas.
2. Also...is PMS even real? What if it's just a label we somehow put on ourselves to write off our negative feelings because as wives and moms we're expected to keep on struggling through everything while trying to keep everyone happy?
3. I'm confused over Christmas. H and I agreed not to get each other gifts because we just can't afford it. We agreed that if we bought anything it would be "FOR THE HOUSE" - something that WE need in the house for whatever reason: new dinner glasses, book ends, or a desktop organizer. Very inexpensive things we could get without feeling obligated to please the other person. H bought one of those things and labeled it a gift to me. I couldn't find bookends or a desktop organizer that I liked that I could afford, so i didn't buy anything. Now he's pissed that he didn't get anything for Christmas and spent yesterday making me feel bad for that.
4. I so hate work. I'd give almost anything to be free of it and still be able to afford to live comfortably.
5. I currently can't afford to live comfortably anyway.
6. My house is too expensive for me.
7. My kids are all I think about.
8. This guy I knew in high school who I re-met this year when we had our reunion is overly sappy and says inappropriate things to me. I'm ignoring his e-mails. He spontaneously kissed me the day of the reunion and I've let it go although I was very unhappy about it. I've never mentioned it. He now can't stop mentioning it and ..... well, it's just icky. He gives me the creeps.
9. I think H is vindictive. He was going to make BBQ ribs for Christmas dinner yesterday. He never even started it. I think it was because he was trying to purposely disappoint me because he felt disappointed about the gift thing. I made pizza.
10. Nobody helps me with the icky stuff at home. Nobody washes dishes; nobody cleans the floors; nobody cleans the bathrooms; nobody folds laundry and actually sorts it to go back to peoples bedrooms. The two times when the basement flooded - once from a plumbing issue and once from a sump pump / laundry issue - nobody helped me clean it up.
11. I don't know how I'm going to manage to pay the bills. I just don't know.
12. I charged Christmas.
13. I don't feel like I have a partner in life at this point...I feel like I have three children and a house guest who doesn't pay rent.
14. Now that I've said that he'll probably be making dinner when I get home tonight lol....
15. Sometimes H makes dinner as a surprise. Usually that means mac-n-cheese for him and the girls and nothing for me. But once or twice a year that means a roast .... of course I then have to make the sides as soon as I get home...finish the roast....serve the roast....and clean up after dinner
16. Did I mention how unhappy I feel right now????
17. I have an idea for a book.....
18. I also have an idea for a software product - AMAZING!!!
19. None of these are really the things I wanted to talk about but once I got here I couldn't keep a thought in my head

THE END

Here is Cha Cha!

Here is Cha Cha! Isn't she adorable???? I can publish her photo because all babies look alike. So don't go thinking I like her more than my other not so babyish babies. They are also beautiful but I'm a little anal about security n all so I don't publish them or me or anyone else I know that is any more recognizable than a baby lol.

Life n Home

UPs n downs n Ups n downs. So the roller coaster ride continues. One day I hate him and the next I'm lucky to have him. Is every relationship like this? I find myself really studying the other couples and families that we know ~ paying closer attention to the nuances of their communications both verbal and non. I think I pretty much know that what we see in the public eye is not necessarily reflective of what goes on behind closed doors. We all painta pretty picture in the sunlight but once we head indoors there's a different story being told.

One couple is getting divorced because she just no longer loves him. She seems to have reached a point where she is emotionless and above it all. Maybe not because she's cold but because that's what she has to do to be able to move on. He's devastated.

Another couple is separated and getting counseling but neither thinks its going to work out.

Another family is getting equity loans to bail out of debt.

Another family is mortgaged beyond what their single income household could possibly afford even in the best years. This explains his workaholic tendancies ~ taking work calls no matter the circumstances. So while I thought he was just so self absorbed, he's really just trying to make it work and keep his family clothed, housed, and fed. It also explains his youngests insecurity with going away from home and away from mom ~ things must be tense.

And we, well we are hanging by a thread, but hanging on nonetheless. I just made arrangements with our mortgage lender to push back two payments to the end of Jan. and the end of Feb. with plans to catch up in March and April. God willing I'll be able to do it. I've only got my income because H has decided that school is more important that making a living wage. So he has again enrolled full time for the spring semester. This after he put our household account od by 1,000 when he paid his winter school tuition....that was a week ago and that hasn't changed. He just refuses to comprehend our situation.

Another family is flailing in total turmoil as their 14 year old acts out like a total criminal, and stepdad treats her like a hated sibling rather than as a child under his umbrella of responsibility.

So what the heck is normal. Who has it among us? If you do and you know what it is, please say so - I'd love to get a clue.

siiiiggghhh...on to Christmas.

Therapy Schmeerapy

Ok - you asked so I'm sayin. I've been thinking about it a lot lately but can't get myself to make an appointment.

I went because work had me all in a tizzy. Because I couldn't focus, felt lost, thought I was losing my mind. I couldn't do a single thing. Some of those issues - a lot of them - still exist.

It felt great to get an hour to just unload, vent, unjudged and not necessarily advised unless I wanted to be. After all I'm paying and I make the rules right?

The problem was that the therapist was too on my side if that's possible. Of course you want validation, encouragement, understanding, empathy, yadda yadd. But I know I'm not all right and it bothered me that she reacted so outwardly ~ as a friend who was aghast at what you're going through. It bothered me that she acted as though I was solely in the right and everyone else was wrong.

But what really made it tough for me was that she kept focusing on my personal relationship with H rather than work. Work is what I desperately need(ed) help with. While it was nice to gain certain insights into my marital relationship, I didn't feel like that's where I needed to focus.

I really needed tools and guidance to get me through the work thing. I guess I'm still somewhat there. But now I have a new boss (my old boss is now her boss) So newbie is very empathic, team oriented, digs in and gets her hands dirty. A lot different from the hands off unavailable oldbie. Not that he didn't have his positive qualities, but they didn't serve me well. He was wishy washy and easily succumbed to the higher powers that be if they looked at him crooked.

Newbie is making progress. That means I am making progress. I still have my issues and, of late, have been giving a lot of thought to making a therapy appointment if for no other reason than to unload whatever. But it isn't so much at the forefront of my mind.

The End.