Red Tape

I work for a non-profit. One of the beauties of that type of work has always been that we weren't bogged down by the same red tape that Gov't agencies were. Decisions could be made quickly and didn't have to go through a multi-phase review process all the way up to the Board; mail came directly to the person it was intended for; there were relatively few steps - although they were thorough and complete steps - to obtaining assistance, etc.

But since the current administration took over about five years ago it has gotten muckier and muckier to the point that it's actually easier with the Government.

Take loan approval for instance. I process a request for funds - a 20 step process by itself due to the fact that funds come from the gov't - which includes verifying everything. I've been doing it for over 10 years and know my stuff. I've even written many of the policies governing the process. BUT NOW.... I go through all that then:

• turn it over to my boss or another staff person to double check that all the right papers are there - using the checklist I provide to do it;
• turn it over to my boss to review that its a doable deal and the numbers add up
• turn it over to my boss's boss to review it again and to provide the final decision that its a doable deal
• do the closing paperwork then
• turn it over to the fiscal manager to ensure that ive done the closing paperwork before she'll process the check request
• close and disburse funds then
• turn it back over to the fiscal manager to ensure that its closed
• wait for the recorded docs then
• turn it back over to the fiscal manager to ensure that recording has taken place

GAWD!! It's such a fucking nightmare process. It makes me feel totally insignifcant and untrusted. No other program or staffer has to do that for any type of assistance. This was all started by the FM and the current administration because that's how THEY need it to be. Nevermind that it creates huge delays in the process or that it requires a lot of additional work from me when I am the only person - with no staff support - doing this. It sucks.

I want out.

CRRRRRRRRRAAAAP! ...... Cont'd

A few weeks ago I posted about the scary issue at work. Here's how it worked out. Boss sided with me and told them so. Wow! I was happy.

They flipped out again calling my boss, his boss, his bosses boss, my co-workers, their boss, and their social worker. Called them all over a weekend so I came back to that feedback first thing on a Monday. Boss conceded that we'd have the group meeting that they wanted and asked me to take one for the team.

Had the meeting, drew out the timeline of the project from start to present on a spectrum on the white board. Then drew the if/then scenarios we are currently dealing with on a flip chart. It was all in my favor surprisingly. I think they were disappointed that I didn't get called on the carpet and instead they were sort of called on the carpet for creating interference to progress and for blowing things out of proportion by calling all those people creating further delays.

Since then I have decided that I must apply for another job. I found the perfect one - except that I don't have the language skills necessary and hope that they will at least interview me based on my 15 years of relevant experience. Still I am hoping...praying...

Nothing...and more

Nothing. Everytime I come here either wanting to dump, vent, or expound on, information or ideas or events.....I can't. Once I get here it's nothing. So I tried just typing it up on Word so I could cut and paste, but by the time I'm done writing about it it's meaningless and I delete it and move on. Therapeutic in its own right to some extent I guess.

H - Frustrated with his negativity, bad attitude, criticism of me and the girls, self righteousness, hypocrisy, dictatorial attitude, mood swings, neediness, illnesses, poor me mentality, paranoia, twisted interpretations. Tried to tell him how he's affecting everyone. Tried to get him to recognize all that I do. I feel totally discounted when I'm trying so hard to do it all. I've realized that it's just this side of verbal and emotional abuse and I told him so. He's constantly dissatisfied with everything I do or don't do and blames me. He's constantly dissatisfied with the kids and when he insults them he tells them they make him do it. I told him I don't want them to marry someone like him and he'd better change if he also doesn't want them to be attracted to boyz who are sometimes mean, but deep down are good people. What a fucking crock!

Kids - Frustrated with their lack of initiative at home...yet understanding. Worried about the impact of our arguments on them - especially 10. Not even especially 10 but also especially 13. She's just as susceptible. Tried talking to H but his response is always "then I guess I'll just have to leave the family if I make everyone so miserable." They are trying to avoid the issue and make their own happiness. This saddens me. They are just trying to get by.

Sis - had lapband surgery and yet she keeps eating KFC mashed potatoes and gravy. Can barely fit anything into her stomach and what she chooses to put in there is KFC, chips and dip, dinty moore stew, and other such crap. On Medicaid so they paid for the surgery...and she's not going to honor the investment made by at least TRYING to eat healthy or live healthy. Instead she sits in front of the boob tube 90% of the time or on the pc surfing e-bay. Guessing her husband was right to put her on an allowance.

Mom - she keeps supplying that crappy food for sis. She allows her to stay 12. Instead of being happy for me when I find a new job opportunity and apply she sulks. I know she's wishing she'd applied for it. Or maybe she did and doesn't want to tell me. I know she envies what I've accomplished in the same company and how much money I'm making - not tons, but much more than her. I feel badly about that.

Work - UGH! A nightmare. I'm so far under I will never recover. I just found out that the new manager they're hiring is only funded for 18 months. Figures. I applied somewhere else for equal pay but much less responsibility. I hope it happens. I hope it happens. I hope it happens. I hope it happens.

Therapy - haven't been there in a long while. Had to cancel my last appt. when my daughter got sick. Just can't fit it in and can hardly tell if its doing me any good. Wish i could send H to therapy.

Money - I did it again. I pulled out some funds from my 403b which should have paid two months mortgage plus all current bills...and then some. Somehow I pissed away 1,000.00 - half of it on groceries and another 300 on gas and prescriptions and co-pays. So I suppose it's not pissed away but it's gone before I could apply it to other bills.... BECAUSE I PROCRASTINATED!!! So I guess now what's left will go to bills and I'll have to figure out how to pay next months mortgage payment.

Me - I keep eating McD's. I don't know why. I feel like crap when I do and I've gained 5 pounds. All through my pregnancy and for months afterward I only desired healthy foods and it was so easy. But now I love fries and burgers and chicken and other such crap. Gotta get out of that rut. I've even been eating H's cookies he makes every night. I've NEVER even been tempted before and find even one more sweet than I can take. but now I can eat 3 or 4....or more. It's dangerous :-) H doesn't like it either lol. I love going home every day to my kids. They are everything. I dread H coming home. I love going on errands even if it does run me ragged because the girls come with me, we talk, and H isn't there. I wish it were different.

Im feeling down. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm praying for a miracle. I'm praying to be rescued.