Epiphany

What the heck was it that I realized this morning while standing in front of the fridge drinking orange juice....out of the carton????

I know it was really important and life changing, something that I knew I had to include in my blog, something really meaningful, but for the life of me I can't remember what it was.

Am I an unknowing ass?? OR The love hate with e-mail

Actual transcript of an e-mail (names deleted.) concerning the submission of a bi-annually required application for renewal of a certification for our company. The person who reviews our application e-mails the head of our company, she e-mailed me and I responded to both of them. Then I followed up with a response directly to the reviewer. The reviewer then cops a major attitude and sends me a snarky message.

Good Morning (LEADER OF THE COMPANY)!

I'm reviewing your (BLANK) Recertification application and I do not see any (BLANK)individuals noted on your list of board members. Question II. A. asks that you indicate with an asterisk (*) those board members who are representative of (BLANK). Could you please look at your list and let me know which members are (BLANK), (BLANK), or (BLANK). Keep in mind that 1/3 of your board membership needs to be (BLANK). Without this information I can not authorize your recertification as a (BLANK).

Thanks (LEADER OF THE COMPANY)!

Very friendly sounding, don't you think? Everyone is friendly to the leader of the company. So the leader of the company forwarded it to me and asked me to follow up on it, which I did. First I responded to the Leader of the Company and cc'd the person reviewing the application.

(LEADER OF THE COMPANY),
I can do both and will scan and e-mail a copy of the app and supporting documentation.

She’s looking at the Breakdown of Board Directors.

On the application form item II Board Composition: (A.) asks for documentation of 1/3 of the board membership being (comprised of BLANK).

The “(BLANK) sector” of the BOD Breakdown, which consists of (the necessary BLANK persons), is intended to represent this. We have/had one position open in that sector and I explained that it was in transition.

(Reviewer) – let us know if you need further clarification or any other information.

Thanks!
(Me)

So my response is equally friendly. I don't have any ill will toward anyone for any reason. But since that was sent really to the leader of the company, I wanted to respond directly to the reviewer as well.

Hi (Reviewer),

Earlier I cc’d you on a response to (Leader of the Company) concerning your question about our (BLANK) BOD representation. I did not indicate on the application that those representatives are identified in the “(BLANK) Sector” of our breakdown of board members.

Those people are the (BLANK) and are either current or past customers – which is generally how we are able to reach out to that population to seek replacements for those positions.

Let me know if you have any questions.

Thanks,
(ME)

This seemed pretty straight forward to me. I was acknowledging that I had neglected to identify the people as (BLANK) and explained which people serve that function on our BOD. THEN.... I get this response from the reviewer.

Guess there should have been an asterisk like I asked and then I wouldn't have had to question which ones were in the 1/3 group.

Wow! Is that full of attitude or what? Tell me, honestly, what did I do to garner such a response. There have been a couple of incidences in my 15 years here where I received such attitude in a response to one of my e-mails where my intent is nothing but to provide info requested. I have no ill will about it, I'm not angry about it, there's nothing there that says to me that any attitude should be coming from anyone. More than once it occurred with this particular person.

I just can't get over this. It really is bugging me and consuming my thoughts. I forwarded it to my boss and the leader of the company and asked them if I was reading it wrong? Honestly I hope one of them takes it up with her boss. I can't be the only one who catches her attitude. When I first started working with her around 2000 she was nice as pie. I think though that something happened in her life, or in her work environment, that really soured her because sometime after that she started having major attitude with me and I do not know why.

Ok - outty.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

I HATE FFM!!! HE"S SUCH AN INANE ASS!!!

Ok, this isn't really a huge thing, it's just the root of what pisses me off about him. It's just hugely annoying. Even more annoying is that my boss doesn't read my freaking e-mails, but responded to FFM's with "concurrence."

I ask one tiny question - literally two sentences. Very specific. FFM responds with this huge diatribe about his suggestions about how to handle all sorts of other things, recommending a written policy about it, and never really addressing my question. Additionally he cc's his boss and my boss about it.

For God's sake grow a spine! Answer a question defnitively and succinctly directly to the person who asked it without shoving your nose so far up the bosses ass that you permanently lose your sense of smell.

After getting his pointless e-mail I explain to my boss, via e-mail, that all I was asking is "can I still do X under the new procurement policy?" No response, but I don't freak out because I know he's very busy and hasn't been in a lot.

But this morning there is a response from my boss. Not a response to my e-mail, but to FFM's. I'm sure he never scrolled down to my question to see what it was, or to realize that FFM's e-mail never even touched a related response. Instead he agrees with FFM, blah blah blah, says a bunch of things I already know and didn't ask about and cc's everyone that FFM cc's. Gawd!!

I had to do it. I replied to all and said "thanks, I wasn't asking about a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, or j - but agree. I just needed to know if I could still do X. thanks for the answer."

He never really answered it but the indication was that it would be fine. Nobody ever really answered "yes, you can still do X." That's all I needed. Why all the extra crap that had nothing to do with anything??!??!?!?!??! AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHhh the beauracracy is killing me!

This is, I realize, a major part of what I've grown to hate about this place and this freaking job!!! It used to be that we could avoid all of the beauracracy and red tape that gov't agencies were bogged down with. Now we seem to be creating a new level of it every year. It is overbearing, overkill, slows progress, and creates TONS more work. No wonder I'm stuck and frozen and can't get anything done. I don't want to do it, I hate it, and therefore I resist it.

Why should communicating be so difficult? Why can't I ask FFM a question and have him respond to me, answering the very question I asked? Why does he feel the need to cc the world and rant on and on about other stuff not at all related to what I'm asking.

GOD I"m so f-ing frustrated. I just want to walk out and leave. This should trigger such huge emotion in me but A. I already can't stand this guy, and B. it's just one more thing.

I quit.

Must Read / Must View

http://postsecret.blogspot.com:80/

You have to go to this link. My therapist recommended the book - probably as an "everyone has secrets" kind of realization. I decided to check it out on line and here's the site. It has a regularly updated video of a montage of 20 secrets submitted anonymously.

The author sent a mailing to 100's of random addresses across the country asking for anonymous confessions of a secret, wish, desire never before divulged. Then he published them in a book. Brilliant idea - wish I'd thought of it.

The one that gets me....

"People who knew me before 911.....think I'm dead." OHMYGOSH!! Can you imagine someone using 911 to disappear from their families and friends and life? Maybe there are children out there mourning the loss of their mom or dad ~ when they're really alive and living a new life somewhere else. Wow.

The saga continues

A little miffed. Miffed at myself because I was careless and now my account is overdrawn. All of those little purchases can add up very quickly. Miffed at H because when I told him this he gave me “the look”. “The look” is one of disbelief and judgement.

Come on! Who the hell is he to judge me? We are both in this mess. He had zero dollars to contribute to the household during this time, and at least the money I spent went to groceries, diapers, and medicine for the baby. Ok – I did buy my lunch out several times because I just can’t get it together to pack a freaking lunch.

But I am RARELY overdrawn and he is overdrawn every freaking month. So who is he to give me "the look?"

My boss just came in to discuss the status of several projects. All of my work issues are really bubbling to the surface right now. I can see it in his face every time he comes to me for more information. Another stalling tactic, another excuse, more things I’ve forgotten. He’s not blind and I’m sure he’s putting the pieces together. This is not good.

I have to have the talk with him. I have to tell him what’s happening. It’s going to come out through process anyway. I might as well fess up. I've been rehearsing it out loud each day on the way to and from work. It's not an easy thing to do to admit your shortcomings, to admit that you can't when you've always thought you could.

If only I could afford to quit – to just drop it and move on. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I'd honestly rather run away from it all than fix it. Mostly because I just don't know if I can and escaping is more appealing than failing. At least if I leave it I can say I left because of them, or I'm doing the best thing for them and my own sanity, rather than actually having to say I just can't do it.

This morning I was psyching myself up for a productive day of work. I now realize that lists just don’t work for me right now. So instead of making a list of things that need to be done, but which I know I will not do, I should just do something – anything – to completion. Then I should list the things that I complete.

Think about it. It then becomes a list of achievements/successes, small though they may be. It is not a list of to do’s looming over me taunting me about how I’ll never be able to do it all, or intimidating me with how I can’t do it well enough.

Yet, here it is almost 11:00 and I have made just a few phone calls and had a meeting with my boss to discuss files – and that only because he walked in and sat down so I didn't have a choice.

What to do, what to do…..

Humiliation

So, we are at our wits end. I am of a mind to call creditors and negotiate reduced or eliminated interest rates along with payment plans - even to work with consumer credit counseling if I can't manage it by myself. I want us to sit down and do full disclosure and plan our way out together. H has resisted full disclosure for the year and a half I've been asking for it. H wants someone to give us a loan - I should ask my mom to take out a mortgage on her house when we already owe her several thousand from a loan this winter. I let her know we are in trouble, but don't ask for anything. I know she's thinking about it though.

Then .....on his moms birthday no less..... he lets loose in a conversation with her about our debt and our money problems!!! I catch him and tell him to zip it!! He realizes what he's done and apologizes to her. He hasn't asked her for anything but now she's all freaked out and worried.

I truly believe that if we tightened our belts and proceeded with a practical approach we could clear this up ourselves - most of it within the year, some of it would take longer. That's the hard way.

But the next day my daughter tells me that H's mom called and wanted to talk to me and she sounded sad. I know what she wants to talk about and I don't call her back. Joe pushes me to - of course he wants ME to have this conversation and I resent that. Eventually she calls again and my daughter hands me the phone so I can't avoid it now.

She starts talking about what H said. I start crying. How fricking humiliating to have your mom-in-law talking to you about your financial failures. I did NOT want to have this conversation! We should work this out on our own like adults!!! She was offering to help.

She threw out a large number to ask if it would help and I reluctantly admit it would take 2.5 times that amount. She calmly says that all she wants is for this burden to be lifted from us and that we could pay her back principal only. She had the funds liquid and assures me that it would not impact her day to day affordability at this point - after all these are only her retirement fund. (GAWD! - could we be more beastly???)

She decides that she is going to send the money to us the next day and only asks that we agree to live more practically and to make regular payments of principal only. We agree.

We tally up the debt and outstanding bills and give her the number. The money is on its way. I do feel a great sense of relief that I don't have to think of those things through the very lean winter, but also feel a great burden because we have borrowed the money from family. I also feel totally embarassed and humiliated because now this person knows what total idiots we are.

I'm grateful, but at the same time it sucks.

Humbled and Humiliated

We are in deep. We have been in deep and sinking deeper for a while now, and I think we have finally reached a point from which we cannot recover.

I would like to lay the blame on H, but the fact is that we have both made poor choices that have brought us here. But just to make myself feel better I'm going to lay out what I do blame on H, lol.

• He pushed and pushed me to agree to buy this ding dang house which was at the very top of our affordability range. He promised that he would do whatever it took to make sure we could handle it. Note: when something is at the top of your affordability range, it means it is actually not affordable. The top of your affordability range, I've learned, is something that you can only afford some of the time and only if the structure of the expense never changes and your own financial position never fluxuates. Thank God we have a 30 yr fixed. The truth is that once it becomes difficult to manage, he would no longer do whatever it took and would blame me for not coming up with enough money each month to make it all better.
• He secretly obtained credit cards from those stupid mailings from companies like Capital One and Providian that provide high risk terms to high risk borrowers. Then he behaved like a high risk borrower and exceeded the limit, resulting in interest rates over 30%, resulting in an inability to pay. Then when he finally paid those off, he did it again. Although I suspected something, I only discovered it by - yes, I admit it - rooting through his paperwork when he wasn't home.
• He lays heavy guilt trips on me about not trusting him when he wants to use my credit for something that I don't want to buy. I feel so pressured that I relent because of his promises to make good, and then he rarely does. Cases in point include multiple purchases for materials to make improvements to the house that could have waited until we saved the funds.
• He goes against my wishes, even after we discuss it, and incurs more debt and spends money when he shouldn't. Case in point: we discuss purchase of a new $1,000.00 stove/oven while I'm in the hospital recovering from the birth of my child and WE AGREE that he will not charge it on my card and pay for it later, instead he will wait until he has the cash (next month he promises) and buy it then. I return home and am told that he's already ordered it and its being delivered - on the day of delivery.
• He encourages me to be irresponsible with my finances. He says don't worry about it, I will give you the money back if you go buy the clothes you need, or this or that for the kids birthdays, etc. Then he doesn't have the money or gets mad when I ask for it.

Ok that's enough beefing on H. We are both at fault, but I had to get that off my chest. This post is getting too long....... stay tuned for the humiliating part.

No Earthly Idea What To Call This Post

Ok - so I said I broke down crying. True. I was a mess. Once the topic of work arose it was like a floodgate opened and I bawled my eyes out and rambled on about a thousand tangential issues.

When I left I was really conflicted and confused and full of chaotic thought. So many issues and thoughts and emotions and no sense of organization or meaning. I was also wondering about future therapy appointments - they seem so focused on me and H and it's really work that I feel I have to figure out. After all I am happy when I'm at home - comfortable, content - and can't wait to get home once I leave work. Yes, there's tension, but work is so much worse.

But it's weird how I leave there wondering sometimes what I've accomplished and later it all becomes more meaningful for me. It's like she knows what questions to ask to make me think about things which it never occurred to me are actually partly causing my issues.

So this time she gave me assignments for me AND for H.

H and I were at home alone after I got home from work - except for the baby. I told him about what happened in therapy. I told him what my issues are at work - explained how I can open a file and look at it and either not have a clue what to do or, I do know what to do but physically and mentally am frozen and can NOT do anything at all. It's a sense of helplessness and confusion and lack of focus.

HE TURNED OFF THE TV!!! HE TURNED OFF THE FREAKING TV, turned around in his chair to face me and listened!!! Of course I was crying. Usually my crying seems to mean nothing to him - not that I cry usually....but when I do it's always a source of pain for me that it seems not to affect him in the least that I am in some kind of anguish. So he listened and, for the most part, let me say my peace.

He offered a good suggestion - that I should see my regular Dr. about finding out if I could have a chemical imbalance after childbirth - or if my thyroid levels are off. My meds went up and up and up during pregnancy, so now that I had the baby my meds might be too high. High levels cause anxiety. Duh - why didn't I think of that lol???

He also went off on a vent about how all bosses are out to screw their employees and its all about money - their money - and they are just using their employees to see how much they can pile on them before they break. "they're trying to break"you. Natch I don't agree with that. Yes, I'm in a crappy situation - but I don't think anyone is intentionally seeking to break me.

In the end he also said he would do what he could to help ease the stress at home. He agreed to do the homework: write down everything he has a complaint about categorically - house, kids, me, work, life, school, etc. as long as he didn't have to do it right now.

This morning he made breakfast for me while I was feeding the baby just before I had to leave. Still breastfeeding so I am actually stationary then. Then he went about packing up my pump tote - putting the bottles back in there, etc. He was helping without being asked. I hate every morning that he sits and drinks his coffee and watches tv while I run around trying to get things done and taking care of the baby and getting myself ready, etc. He actually helped and it was great.

hmmmm - lots to think about.

Whew!

Yesterday I broke down crying during therapy when we talked about work. I think she is focusing on me and H - which is fine to a point - but my major anxiety centers around work these days and is really the key reason that I decided to go to therapy. I have to figure out how to function.

We really couldn't cover anything in the time we had - which sort of sucked but is understandable. It must be difficult, or maybe a relief, for a therapist to have to shoo patients out in the middle of a crying jag.

I also had to closeout a contract yesterday. This contract was not spent out. 75% of that is my fault....I think. Unless I'm being too hard on myself. But I don't want to be let off the hook either. Anyway I just gave up. The closeout was due and I did it and it clearly showed that we forfeited over $100K which majorly sucked. I felt like a total failure but also felt so relieved that it was just being put on paper for everyone to see and would now be a done deal. Now I could move forward - whatever that means.

I haven't discussed it or shared it with my boss or anyone else and its not on anyone's radar....yet. But it will be when my boss's boss gets a copy of the closeout report that she has to sign. Yikes. That's going to be rough. But I have to move on. It's a huge load off my shoulders. All I can do is try harder for the next contract....currently in progress.

So the state calls me today about the closeout and is confused becuase about $50K of projects in that project are not included in the closeout. Matter of factly I tell them that they just aren't done and that's that. I don't ask for an extension or any kind of understanding. They ask why and I say I left these projects in an unfinished state when I went on leave and that's where they remain and now I am pretty much starting over on them.

Miraculously the State offers a solution that still has us losing over $100K, but keeps us in their good graces and allows us to move forward, still be able to get the next round of funding, all without losing any face. Yay! Additionally they allow us to request an additional $8K of administrative support. Thank God.

I feel good. I feel relieved. Even if my boss and his boss have to squash me when they find out about the unsuccessful contract. I still feel good. If I had personal time I'd take tomorrow off and celebrate at the beach lol.