TID Cont'd

So anyway the biggest issue was money. He contended that I dropped the ball on a property sale which could have saved our asses. I countered with the fact that he is the sole owner of the property and has to sign the listing agreement - and that I saw e-mails between him and the realtor to that effect. Not my ball. Then it segued into how abandoned I felt this past year when he declared that I was not to speak to him about bills because it depressed him and stressed him out and he needed to concentrate on school. DUH! What the heck do you think it does to me??? Especially when my partner won't share the load?

Eventually we sort of got past it as we usually do. We throw around some conceptual solutions but usually no serious progress is made. He was happy because we got the babies stuff moved up to 10's room, and he got to spend the rest of the day framing in his expanded workshop in the basement.

Somewhere in the process he achieved a greater understanding of how overwhelmed and abandoned I felt with regard to finances, and I achieved a greater understanding of how overwhelmed and abandoned he felt with regard to home repairs/projects.

Later I opened my mouth and said "you know I'm in therepay" and he said he didn't. I suspected he might because the intake paperwork carbons that I'd left on the dining room table by accident were unfolded and laying open while he was sitting there. But I guess not. I explained that I'm looking for help with focus and with my apparent inability to get through tasks of every day living and working. He seemed to respond and maybe even lay off me a little after that.

So I guess that's an improvement.

Theraputic? Improvements in Domesticity

I question that because I don't know if the perceived improvement is really due to therapy or just a natural occurence and thereby a coinkiedinkie.

Saturday we had our periodic argument about finances, house cleaning, child rearing, responsibility, and he said/she said. Starts out with H's usual littany of complaints about bills, the list of home repairs on his plate, how overwhelmed he feels and over burdened. That naturally progressed into not so guarded hints about how he gets no help and how the problem stems mostly from me and the girls.

Whenever this barrage of negativity is thrown at me I try to escape. I wonder sometimes if he picks his moments, and if he's conscious of it if he does. On this occasion I was trapped - breast feeding the baby. Can't get up and walk around at that point. So I just looked down and tried really hard not to buckle under the weight of all that he was unloading on me.

Was he just venting? Did he want advice? Did he want input? I don't know. Generally I assume he's venting because if I ever do offer an opinion or advice, it's not well received. Such was the case this time so I kept my mouth shut. But then he expressed frustration over the fact that I had nothing to offer. I explained my quandry.

One thing leads to another, one subject to another, and boom we're arguing over who dropped what ball and who made what mess and who needs what support. UGH!! I HATE THIS.

He opens up to say he feels overwhelmed and wants my input. I express that I'm reluctant to talk or give input when he's like this because it always leads to a fight or at the very least to me feeling about an inch tall.

I explain that I'm overwhelmed and that I can't take on everything that he assigns to me just because he doesn't have time for it. I don't either - I get home, feed the baby, start dinner, clean up after dinner, need to spend some time with the kids, usually have to run errands for someone if not myself. He counters that I never cook real meals so I can't use that as an excuse....I wonder who made the meatloaf, the grilled chicken, his fave cheezy mashed taters, the tacos, the pasta, the homemade barbq sauce for the bbq sandwiches, or the homemade pizza during the past week??? Another area underappreciated.

Stop - have to go pump. BBL

Therapy revisited

OK today was my 2nd appt. and I'm a little conflicted. It's great to be able to talk about me, myself, and I and have the other person sound like their totally on your side. But I'm not looking for someone to give me excuses. It sounds as though she is telling me that I am too hard on myself - that I either don't give myself credit for what I do accomplish or that I expect too much of myself and therefore am constantly disappointed. Maybe also that I judge myself against what I think others expect of me (namely H)

What I didn't like was that:
1. It did sound like she was giving me excuses for being the way I am. I feel like I'm flailing and floundering and can't focus or get things done. It SOUNDS like she's saying that should be expected because I'm a mom, have a baby and two other kids, work full time, and have things to do at home. It sounds like she's telling me to do less when my problem is that I'm not doing enough. Not sure who is lost there - me or her.

2. It also sounded like she was making a negative judgement about H based on things I said. I said how much he does around the house, but also said that he'd like for me to be doing all of that - that he has an idealistic vision in his head that I just don't meet up to. I feel like it's because I don't try hard enough or my "thinking disorder" prevents me from taking action when I know I should so that things get done and he doesn't have to nag. All in all I wanted her not to place blame on H- I'm not sure if she did. It's still early and we can only cover so much in an hour.

There were tons of things I wanted to cover but couldn't. She was right to zero in on my relationship with H in that there are some serious feelings of inadequacy there - seemingly on both sides. It's probably true that if we communicated better and understood each others lives and positions better things would be more harmonious, thereby reducing stress, thereby making it easier for me to cope outside of the house without being so distracted.

Still all the while I kept thinking that I really wanted to talk about work. I really wanted to talk about how to fix what's going on there - like my finding anything to do but my work and that everytime I try to focus on my work I will accept and pursue any level of distraction just as a means not to do the tasks. Right now...I'm doing this when I should be putting together materials for a contact who I've already put off for a week. He's expecting it today, I sucked at our last meeting due to lack of preparation, and now I'm kicking myself for not tackling this last freaking week!!

She reviewed my list of times and reasons why I beat myself up over the last week and she was shocked at the number of them and the reasons and the degree (I rated each occurrence on a scale of 1-5; 5 being YOU IDIOT!!) I actually didn't think it was that many. Then she asked me to review them and count how many could have life changing impact - or the results/consequences from those occurences - and five of them could. HUGE life changing impact.

My next assignment is to make a list of all of the household/life expectations of me and of H - what we are each expected to do and accomplish around the house and with the children and with respect to our mutual personal life. Then to cross out anything that isn't getting done. Then to work towards reassigning various responsibilities. The thought being that I do too much, or am expected to do too much. I'm hesitant because I think I do too little and even when I have the opportunity to do something I choose not to - maybe just so I can veg, or to watch tv, or to hang with the kids, or to whatever. Anything not to do it. We'll see.

So she said she'd love to get him in there - I think she wants to kick him in the ass. lol But I'm not ready for that - not even ready to tell him I'm in therapy. I think he'd go but I don't want him going into a situation where she might have already formed an opinion that he's doing something wrong.

I hope that doesn't prevent me from being honest with her.

Conflicted.

Therapy Updates

Yes therapy is already helpful and insightful! I don't want to duplicate posts and I've already put an update on Z's life....(link on my profile)... but there was definitely an eyeopening occurrence at my first session.

Natch it hasn't changed me yet - after all, here I am blogging at work instead of doing the oodles of work that I'm backlogged on. That, if I hadn't said so, is the main reason that I NEEEED therapy. I just so loved being able to spill my guts though. It was energizing.

Here's another major reason - one which really has me puzzled. I turned down an opportunity for a promotion yesterday that could have increased my salar by as much as $8K right now. At the time it seemed really rational and practical and the more I think about it the more of an idiot I feel like.

Truth be told I know, based on my current work practices or lack thereof, that I couldn't manage the promoted position. Truth be told, my boss knows that too. He, however would have given me a chance at it while I was not willing to give myself a chance. I don't know if I did the right thing or not.

My reasons were that I am not at the right stage of development to have given the position and the dept. all that it needed from the right person; that I don't have enough knowledge about, or interest in certain areas this person would be responsible for; and I want to keep my options open for involvement in a more diverse array of activities as they come into this dept. over the next couple of years because I am feeling a bit stagnate in my current responsibilities. In my head I was also thinking that I don't want to committ to more responsibility and accountability when all I really hope for in this life, at this time, is to be able to afford to stay home with my kids and be a mom and wife.

I was happy at the time because after that other options for me were discussed that sounded really really great, AND I did manage to request a re-classification of my title along with a raise that would be more in keeping with the level of responsibility I would eventually take on. My boss seemed wholly accepting of that and is already working on getting me part, if not full, time into another location in the City where I live....and just down the hall from where my baby goes to daycare. To be back close to home and my kids and their school, and my baby. That's my dream right now. That's all I really want - that and economic stability lol.

As usual, despite knowing from years of experience that I should not tell H about this, I spilled the beans thinking he would support me and trust my judgement. WRONG!!! All he could see were the dollar signs I passed on. Of course I didn't tell him how much, I downplayed that. After the discussion got tense I said "you'll just have to trust me and believe that I know what I'm doing." He said "I do trust you - I trust that you can't handle that and that you don't want it." What a negative thing to say to me. Not that it isn't the basest truth in my own head - but a little support and love would have been great.

The last time I was offered a promotion with a sizeable raise about which I was unsure - I caved and took it. I've been unhappy ever since. H said he would support me, that he would understand that it would mean more hours, or I might have to bring work home with me over a weekend sometimes, etc. He never did. Although I rarely worked longer hours or brought work home - if I did it became a HUGE issue.

With regard to my job all H would like is for me to find a better job that pays more and has better benefits, which still allows me an exceptionally flexible schedule, but is closer to home so I could maintain a better handle on house cleaning and meal preparation.

So now I find myself second guessing my decision. Did I sell myself short? Is it legitimate to not want the added stress?

One of the changes that will come my way is taking over an educational workshop series. This sounds wonderful - interpersonal, educational, direct contact with clients. This is for me. It's nights and weekends sporadically throughout the year - which means I'd have a very flexible schedule as far as taking time off during the weekdays for my family. Like for field trips, volunteering at school, participating in school activities, or being home when my kids are home without losing income. It could also keep the baby out of daycare quite often and allow me more time with her when I'm not busy cooking and cleaning and helping the older girls with homework. I'm excited about this.

But, should I have challenged myself by shooting for the promo position? Knowing that I am such a mess in my current position - should I have bucked up and made a go of it?

of course I can't tell H that I'm in therapy because I can't focus on my work enough to finish anything that I need to. he already knows I have those issues at home and that already garners disrespect and his attempt to "parent" me. So I really can't tell him what is at the core of my not taking that position.

What to do.....

Therapy is...

Really positive! Wow! Even though most of the slightly more than an hour was spent gathering basic info from me for an intake procedure - it was by the therapist - I found it beneficial already.

It's kind of already turned a bit from the direction I thought it would focus on, but one step at a time ya know. So I thought it would all focus on work and, who knows maybe next time it will. But it covered everything because the intake questions covered everything.

Sounds like it will be CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. When I read the article(s) that spurred me onto decided on therapy, CBT was suggested as a therapy/counseling method for my type of problem.

Overall it was just great to have someone ask me questions and listen to me for once. I spend so much time listening to other people - especially H - that I sometimes just get lost in the shuffle. Certainly almost nobody at home ever cares to hear about what I'm feeling or thinking or worried about or interested in. I don't expect it of the kids of course ~ after all they're kids. But sometimes 10 does ask "mom, how was your day today?" and then she listens. She's so sweet.

She finished up the session by giving me homework and saying that she really enjoyed talking with me and thought I could probably run the session on my own. That's probably true but that would only result in lots of talking and no results. Therein lies my problem and the reason I need her in the first place. I need results!

So - that's the news... Oh except for this.

Was in a training an hour away Tuesday. When we broke for lunch I rec'd a call from one of H's employees using H's cell phone. He said very tentatively..."H" fell off a ladder, he's ok, but he sort of snapped his neck and fell on his back and the ambulance is on its way. I just said I'm on my way and took off. Later I thought wait, how can he have "sort of" snapped his neck? And how can he snap his neck AND be ok. So when I finally got the answer to that it turned out that he meant snapped as in the action of whiplash but not as in breaking his neck. Whew!!

No breaks, no internal injuries. Thank goodness he doesn't let his employees do ladder work. But a few days off, some pain killers, and lots of pain.

Ok - that's it for now.

peace,
Me

Burt Out

Ha ha - I just realized I typed "burt" out instead of "Burnt" out in the updated info in my profile.

I'm BURT OUT! lol

I've opted for counseling

I've always said I am a procrastinator but I guess I didn't realize exactly what that meant or how serious it could be. I've known for a long time that it was increasingly affecting my production at work and I'm realizing that its affecting my relationships and happiness outside of work as well.

Recently I saw a link on the MSN home page for an article entitled "Is the To-Do List Doing You in?" I had just started a to do list, one of millions I've started but never followed through on, and in frustration at becoming overwhelmed by the concept I turned to the internet to divert my attention for a bit. So I clicked on the link and read this:( http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-3945.html )

Every bit of it described me but what made my eyes open wide and my jaw drop was this comment: "According to procrasstination researcher Timothy Pychyl, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Carleton University in Ottawa, Canada, people often draw up a to-do list - and then rest on their laurels. The list itself becomes the day's achievement, allowing us to feel we've done something useful without taking on any real work. In fact, drawing up the list becomes a way of avoiding the work itself!"

EXACTLY!!! How many times have I made a list and done nothing, feeling happy that I just made a step towards reorganization or prioritization. Then I could say "it's on my list for this afternoon." OR, how many times have I made a list, then chosen the most mundane and simple and meaningless tasks on it just so I could check a bunch off and make it look like I was accomplishing something??

Ok so then I looked at a couple of other articles:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20030823-000001.html and
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20031028-000008.html although the last one seems to contradict the one before it in one section.

Anyway the 2nd article I ready really drove home to me that I have a problem that could potentially be corrected but which I could in no way correct myself!! For me that was good news. It means I'm not a failure and that I'm not crazy and that there is a way out of this grey fog!! Every single point in that second article spoke to me (except the authoritarian parent - I had an extremely lenient parent and NO discipline).

Well, I am NOT an alcoholic as mentioned as possible in point 5, but have been known to not know when to stop from time to time - moreso in my younger years but occasionally in my post marriage/family/children life.

And yes I ACTIVELY look for distractions (what I'm doing right now for instance).

No I am not the thrill-seeker type of procrastinator (no. 8) although I've known them. I am the avoider and decisional procrastinator. Mostly the avoider.

Anyway it turns out that individual counseling or mental health services are covered under my insurance for a VERY reasonable co-pay. GOD! Why is that so well covered and yet they don't provide much coverage for preventative physical health measures??? Anyway I have never had therapy and was really nervous about scheduling the appointment but I did it. So next week I start seeing a therapist.

I really hope this works.

James

Hey James. Thanks for the message. Do you not have a blog anymore - just a profile?? I click on the link but it takes me to your profile and shows no link to a blog.

Just curious.

Soggy Saga

This is just another story about the main character of Drunken Drama. I completely forgot that while I was on leave her daughter had a b-day party. I hemmed and hawed about whether or not I would let my daughter go. Certainly not to the sleepover part, but maybe part of the party.

First I said no, then 13 had to babysit so I thought that was my easy out. I just hate to have to tell this woman when my daughter can't come over - never know if she'll be sober or not or ask questions, etc. It's just a tough situation - awkward.

Other parents were coming up to me to see if I was letting my child go. Every parent said no to the sleepover and just a very few of us said yes to the party - but ONLY after seeing for ourselves if she was sober or not. We felt certain she could/would be sober for the few hours of her daughters party. She was sober and I left.

When I came to pick her up the woman was drunk. GRRRR! Caring for other peoples kids and she can't NOT drink for four hours???!?!?! So she is wasted and there are two other girls there waiting for a ride who was not coming for another hour. I called their moms and told them to come pick up the kids asap because of the situation and they did.

That is definitely it. Absolutely no time over there ever for any reason or any amount of time no matter what.

GOD! If its so clear to me now, why then did I struggle so much over whether to say no??
1. I didn't want to ruin the girls birthday;
2. Even though I don't even like this woman any more I clearly had some issues with making someone mad or feel bad
3. Familiarity made it tolerable???

So I later was mad at me and felt like an ass over the fact that I put 13 in that situation or that I for one second expect her to have to pay attention to that type of situation - is she drunk or drinking or not? That sort of thing. DUH!!

Lesson learned and hopefully without putting a dent in 13's psyche.

Unauthorized Kiss

Ok - my 20th high school reunion was in its planning stages and many of us were in contact with one another when tragedy struck.

A friend lost his entire family in a violent accident - his whole world! Since so many of us were in contact a lot of old friends were there to rally around and offer support, some more than others. But everyone was trying to do what they could.

So a couple of us went to the funeral and reconnected with this friend who we hadn't seen in years. I think it meant a lot to him to have people from so long ago genuinely offering their concern and assistance in any way.

But what do you say to someone in that situation and how do you help them??? I really didn't know but I e-mailed him later to make sure he had my contact info and to offer a listening ear or an escape...whatever he needed.

This all happened just two weeks before our reunion. He called that weekend and asked if I was going and I said yes. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be around all those people. I wasn't sure but I thought he sounded a little under the influence, but he could have just been crying. I'm just not sure. Just some of the things he said about having liked me years ago and the way he said it sounded out of place and his speech was a little slurred. But heck - what's IN place when you go through something like this?

So I offered that he could come hang out at my house. My husband and kids were going to a ball game and it would be just me and the baby and him so we could talk. If he didn't want to go to the reunion I would hang out with him. If he did we could go together.

At my house I greeted him with a hug and a mutual peck on the cheek, introduced him to the baby, and got him a drink. We went outside and sat on the deck and talked. We did a little reminiscing about the good ol days and he did some talking about how he was feeling and trying to talk through exactly what happened. That's all normal.

But he kept going back to what he thought about me in the old days, that he'd wanted to ask me out, that ....whatever. That's fine it its appropriate context, but he would walk by me and stroke my hair, his physical presence was sort of suggestive and a little too close for comfort. When I excused myself to go inside and breastfeed the baby, he followed me in as I was feeding her and sat right across from me. I was a little uncomfortable, but I figured he'd had kids and grandkids so this should be perfectly natural.

It was enough so that I didn't give him the full tour of the house because I was uncomfortable about taking him near the bedrooms. Not that he would attack me, NO - just that I felt he was a little too close for comfort.

On the other hand I remember he always said sort of inapproriate suggestive things to everyone even when we were as young as 11 and I can remember feeling uncomfortable then. You know - like some boys like to shock girls. Only this time it wasn't shocking, it was more subtle.

Ok - so he decides he wants to go to the reunion, the sitter comes, and we take off in separate cars. At a stop light in the middle of a very busy intersection with people all around he jumps out of his car and runs back to mine. I thought he must have changed his mind and I rolled my window down to hear what he wanted to say. He leans in with his hands on my face and kisses me right on the mouth! Not a quick peck, but like a slower softer kiss. A real one. Then he says something like I've been dying to feel those lips or I've been dying to kiss those lips.

I was stunned. Then we both continued onto the reunion and he acted like nothing happened. I was really uncomfortable and couldn't get it out of my head. I was kind of mad - I haven't kissed another guy since H and I started dating 17 years ago! But I tell my good friend at the reunion what happened and she says "hot mama!" What?? How could she think I'd be happy about that?

Eventually I made my excuses and left. He didn't want to see me go and was kind of paw-y, but then he was touchy feely with all of the women there. I suggested he get someone to drive him home when he was ready and he said he'd only had one drink. Ok. He was kind of sad and clingy and I responded assuming that it was genuine, but his saying to me "I'm in a bad way" has sort of not sat right with me the more I've thought about it.

Anyway I was glad to be back with my family in the relative sanity of my own home. I didn't tell H what happend but I did say that next time he comes over I wanted H to be there and that the guy had made me a bit uncomfortable to be there alone with him, but that I wasn't sure if it was just related to his state of mind with consideration for his tragic circumstances, or if he meant it. H looked at me kind of funny but agreed without asking questions.

So in the end I decided to pretend it never happened if the guy also pretended that and I continued with an occasional email to keep in touch and offer support. I chose to leave it at email because I'm just not sure about him and I dont want to send any mixed signals.

Ok so thats it - that's my story.

Update...Baby...

Wow - I can't believe I didn't post on this thing since March!

The latest update is that I had a baby....probably why it hasn't occurred to me to post. April 3rd, my lillun (Charlotte) was born. I wasn't expecting her for a week so that sort of caught me by surprise. I started labor in the parking lot of the Subway Restaurant lol. Then ended up scrambling in between contractions trying to finish up work and farm out last minute instructions. During that time I had a convo with my boss while trying not to let him know I was in labor. I did pretty well, but then I just blurted out that I didn't think I would be there for the rest of the day. I made it until mid to late afternoon.

I drove home - usually a half hour drive - by myself, stopping on the side of the road for every contraction. Everyone thought I was crazy but it's not like you're going to die while driving. You feel it coming on and you pull over and wait it out. Man labor sucks!!

My husband and kids had just gotten home from a weeks stay in AZ to visit his parents. Good thing I didn't go into labor sooner!

Anyway it didn't all go as planned and I ended up having a c-section. But after 19 hours of labor I was just like "CUT ME OPEN ALREADY!" This time I was awake...mostly...during the c-section. My first one I wasn't. (2nd was natural delivery). To deal with pain or discomfort I HAVE to sleep, so I actually kept falling asleep during the operation. The anesthesiologist said I was snoring!!

The baby is fabulous. She's so happy and relatively easy - you know, as easy as a baby can be. She squeals and screams and coos and gurgles and smiles the biggest smiles. The greateast thing is getting her out of her bassinet every morning and she's so happy to see me and smiles so huge. I just adore her immensely and unbelievably!!!!!!!

Unfortunately I'm back to work now - the start of my third week. I pretty much hate it. In all I took off 12 weeks, but only had two weeks after my older kids got out of school. It was tough to leave them all and I'd so prefer to stay at home and do mom things. MAN I miss it! If there was any way I could manage it I would walk out the door this instant.

The first day back I was really depressed. My boss asked me about how I felt and I could barely look at him while I spoke because I was afraid I'd start balling. He's pretty sensitive to his employees needs so he was very cool about it when I said that if I didn't absolutely HAVE to be here for economic and insurance reasons, I would never have come back.

It's gotten better though because Charlotte has adjusted well to other people caring for her and it doesn't seem to have interrupted her schedule or altered her happiness at all. Plus I know that my mom and sister are helping to care for her and the older girls so that's good. The baby just has to go to daycare two days a week and the daycare providers are wonderful - they can take care of six babies and ALL of them are happy all the time. So I'm happy with that. I'll muddle through.

Ok - I have one more post to make about something really weird that happened to me recently. Check it out!!

Peace