Another Drunken Drama

A few weeks back I had a run in with local school mom who has a drinking problem. Well, according to her she "has no problem with drinking, everbody else has a problem with [her] drinking" So she's a drunk and thinks it's perfectly acceptable. Alternately she's drunk and completely denies that she's had even one drink.

Anyway - her daughter and my daughter are friends and have been since 1st grade (5+ years). So I've always found myself in the position of having to deal with her. Once we discovered what was going on, and to what extent, we eventually banned our kids from having playdates over there, under that moms supervision, from being driven by this mom, and certainly from engaging in sleepovers there.

Other parents just begged off or declined invitations. I eventually was the one, two summers ago, that had to say to her that it was because of her drinking and that I didn't trust her to care for my kids. I was the one a year and a half ago who told her she had to leave my house due to her intoxication and STUPID ME I let her drive away with her daughter in the car when I should ahve called the police. That Christmas a teacher called the police on her when she arrived, driving, to the Christmas program drunk and nearly hit the teacher with her vehicle.

Not long ago I rec'd a call from another mom - who I eventually determined was probably just trying to beg off of the situation - asking if I could help the drunken mom by picking up her car keys and driving her parked car to the house. She'd apparently been stopped by a cop as she approached her car and, since she hadn't technically driven the car in his presence, he drove her home and made her leave her car there. The other mom didn't drive stick (neither do I) so she couldn't get it for her, but maybe my husband could. We did agree to it but not, of course, without her calling 40 times during my daughters family -bday party that night to ask when were we coming with the car.

Most recently she arrived at my house to pick up her daughter after a b-day party (the kids b-day party). I was going to drive her home and the mom knew that, but God forbid she not try to get in on the party or create some sort of social situation. She was hammered. I tried to usher her and her daughter out quickly and then came to my senses....sort of. I sent her daughter from the room and told the mom that she could not drive the daughter home, that I would do so. She threatened to call the police and I encouraged it. She quickly shifted by saying I was wrong, and insisting that her daughter be home in 10 minutes. I obliged. There was a slight incoherent run in at her home when I arrived and refused to get out of my car or come into her house to talk. Some time ago I would not have felt like I had a choice. Thank GOD that's changed.

On the way to her house I did take the opportunity to explain to the girl that she had rights. I explained that even though it might be hard for her to stand up for herself against her mother, she is NEVER obligated to get into the car with her mother when she's been drinking or if she appears to be under the influence. I identified a number of people she could always call for help or a ride. She took it in quietly but I eventually learned that it must have sunk in.

I stopped at the police station on the way home but they weren't all that interested. The deal was already done and they were busy dealing with the issues related to a major snow storm.

So a few weeks go by and it's time for a school dance. My daughter asked me if I could drive her friend to the dance. I said that would be fine with me. Next thing I know I'm getting a drunken call from the mom angrily saying that no I can't drive her because she didn't know anything about it and it would ruin HER plans for visiting her dad which she does EVERY single weekend thereby preventing her daughter from ever having a social life.

She went on and on and I eventually cut her off by saying this is something she should sort out without my input and only call me back if she does indeed need a ride. I then called the police dept. to report that this intoxicated person named "_____" at "______" address was preparing to drive her 12 year old daughter to the City. They said they'd send a patrol by to cruise the area for a bit.

She calls back later, apparently completely forgetting the drunken rage she was in earlier, and says that due to fog she is not going out of town. (I wonder if she's seen the patrol car hanging out) She explains that her daughter can go to the dance and that her daughter does not want her to drive her. Her daughter specifically wants me or my husband to drive her there AND to pick her up. So I did.

I felt pretty good about it ~ about the fact that the girl had stood up for herself. At the same time I dread being the call in every time this mom is drunk.

Zero Tolerance has become Intolerable

I read about a girl who said "that's so gay" when responding to something that she thought was stupid. Saying it resulted in formal disciplinary action against her from the school and a lawsuit based on zero tolerance of gay slurs.

What happened to having a teacher call her aside and saying "you know, I heard what you said and here's why it's not right to say that..... and why we expect you never to say such a derogatory phrase again" Then, if it happens again - something more formal...but less than a lawsuit.

I was just thinking about zero tolerance the other day. Several times this year my daughters have complained about teachers who punish a whole class based on the actions of one child - especially in a case where the teacher didn't actually see a whole incident, or doesn't know exactly whose at fault, and they don't want to accept the story or explanation of any one child.

So - while I try to support the teachers by explaining that they are trying to teach a lesson in accountability for your actions and how your actions can impact others. I explain that the idea of punishing a whole class for one childs misbehavior lets that child know that not only did he do wrong, but he caused a problem for all of his friends and classmates as well. The classmates in turn hopefully learn that if they act out, the repercussions will go beyond just their own punishment. Hopefully that will prevent it happening again.

In truth though I felt more like the teacher was copping out. He/she was teaching all of the kids that all of the kids are not worth trusting. One child speaks out, gets called on the carpet, he blames another kid, everyone gets in trouble. Those that go to the teacher to try to explain that he's misunderstood what happened, or that this or that child was not involved, are abruptly shut down and told "I don't want to hear it."

What does that tell our children? How many truths are teachers missing by not giving the children the benefit of the doubt or by not listening to the kids who truly are standing up for themselves and trying to prove that they have done no wrong? How hopeless does the child feel when he or she realizes that it's pointless to talk to the teacher? And how does that affect the children in the future when they have a legitimate problem that the teacher could solve, but the student feels it would be pointless or they'd just get in trouble?

I thought my kids were a bit out of that zero tolerance loop because they did not go to public school and so were not governed by the all powerful god of Political Correctness. Can't have "Christmas" break - only "Winter" break. Can't speak of Easter. Can't say prayers. Can't talk about God or religion. Can't accidentally mispeak while not understanding the full impact of your words - essentially no free speech if it might possibly hurt someones feelings even inadvertently.

But with this latest batch of punishments for the class I'm feeling a turn. I'm feeling that perhaps with the influx of new teachers who have been trained under the public political system, the tide is turning to an atmosphere similar to the intolerance of public school.

I know that my issue is a small one, but they all start somewhere. I'm just tired of the whole zero tolerance thing.

Someone says gay and gets suspended. Someone says retarded and gets expelled. A five year old accidentally puts his plastic knife in his pocket instead of the garbage after lunch and gets arrested!!!

Come on grown ups. how about a little common sense? How about a conversation?