The closer I get the more complacent I get. As maternity leave approaches I feel more and more like whatever will be will be with regard to work. I still wake at night thinking about things that need to get done, worrying about bills that I haven't yet paid because I'm such a procrastinator, and talking myself back to sleep......after hours of being quasi-awake. But eventually I convince myself that whatever will be will be and nobody is going to hate me because of it. I'll just take what comes and do what I can with it. It's a pretty peaceful feeling.

Have been praying about guidance for managing expenses over the next couple of months while H is not bringing in any income and I am already behind on so many bills that I can't even tell him. I've been considering taking my mom up on her offer of taking a loan from her - she'd take it on her unmortgaged house and I'd make the payments - to get us through. I know she loves to help in that way but I have been resistant. I don't like to ask her for financial help because it's not as if she's wealthy, besides which I'm a grown up and should be able to dig out of my own messes.

SO! With that said. Something popped into my head today to help me through - without having to bring in extra income OR sell anything. Anyway I feel good about the plan. It could work pretty well to get me through until H is bringing in income and picking up more of the financial slack, then my own pay can go towards really catching up. I do hate having to catch up every summer though - that sucks.

Who knows, maybe our property and the business will sell in the mean time and we'll be in the clear all the way around. What an amazing feeling that will be.

7 weeks left. I can not wait. I'm so very very very very excited about having 12 weeks off! I wish I could get equally excited about getting the baby's room ready lol.

Peace ~ out

Tangled Tangled Web

Back to the "cat lady" aka "E".

I think I said that she recently passed away after a fall and a stroke and a brief stint in hospice care. During that time I finally met, face to face, her family from out east and they were very nice. It became very clear to me that they truly could not conceive of all that I had told them about her living environment until they actually experienced it and that, now, they finally understood.

The icky part is this. For a week or so before E had gone into the hospital I had been feeling guilty about not checking in on her regularly. I kept thinking, if something happens to her and she falls and can't get up nobody will be there to check on her or help her. Worse, I thought about all of those feral cats in her house...what if she died...what if those cats.... EEEW!!

But there always seemed to be some reason why I couldn't go. I wasn't feeling well, I had to drive the kids somewhere, homework, family, laundry, LIFE! Always some reason.

And then I get the call that it had happened. She had fallen. BUT someone checked on her and called 9-1-1 and had her taken to the hospital. This is where the web comes in - the mystery.

This "someone" named Theresa had left a note on the door for E saying that she'd locked up and had the keys. The odd thing is that NOBODY had a clue who Theresa was. She did leave some contact info on the note though and they called her to try to get the keys.

The family immediately called the Humane Society Officer to have her come and clear out the feral cats. The Officer tried to reach Theresa with no response. So she thought she'd have to have the local police accompany her so she could break in and get the cats. She happened to drive by the house and see a car there so she stopped. It was Theresa in the house bagging up (garbage?). Theresa said she and her son were coming later to clear out the house and put the furniture by the curb.

Mind you E is in the hospital and is not deceased and it's been maybe two or three days since she was taken to hospital. So this woman is clearing out her house???

So the Humane Officer says she cannot do that, she has no legal right, E's family is on their way out here, and to please leave the keys so that they can be turned over to the police dept. Theresa claims she didn't know E had any family and boogies out of there taking the keys with her.

Either the police or neighbors eventually say that they'd seen this car there almost constantly for three weeks leading up to Elinors hospitalization.

A day after the Humane Officer runs into Theresa, the house gets broken into and ransacked. Only the family says that it seemed staged - that whoever got in must have had a key but made it look like a break in. E's purse is gone and actually she has quite a bit of money and credit cards. At that point we all think of Theresa. But by this time Theresa is not responding to any calls or messages. Worse - the police won't look into it!

This is where the sick feeling comes in. Theresa is from another county quite a distance away - there's no way that she could just happen across E and decide to help her like I did. There's also no way that - if she'd spent so much time with her in three weeks - she wouldn't know that E had family. E always talked about her family and her life. ALWAYS. Plus she had pics around and cards, etc. Theresa also made no attempt to link with local services or authorities - I know because I keep in touch with them about E on a regular basis and either I would have heard or Theresa would have been led to me. So I wonder if she targeted her.

So after this has all come down I start to think the worst. What if all this time that I was worrying about going to check on her, but didn't, this Theresa person was taking advantage of her?!?!?! What if Theresa caused the injury? What if Theresa was robbing her and using her money all that time. How long had E been laying there injured? What if Theresa just left her there for days so she could access her money and credit and then called the hospital when she knew it was too late?

Once the family arrived they could find out nothing from the credit or banking firms because the proper legal procedures had not yet been processed as part of dealing with the will and executorship. So, for all anyone knows all of her money is gone???

God what an awful feeling. I can't get it out of my head. The thought of E laying there for days....or longer, while some possible psycho comes in and out of her house leaving her there and taking advantage of her - stealing from her.

I know - it's a worse case scenario. But it's really messing with my head.

So after all this has passed and I learn more and more.

HuuUUUuuUuuUuUUuuUuGE!

I feel oh so bloated and huge. Hows that for a start up?? Ok I know, I'm over 7 months pregnant _ i'm supposed to be huge. But today I feel especially huge. Last night I did too. I think I grew yesterday...in girth. No extra poundage that the scale revealed. Maybe that means that the baby is growing and I am shrinking?? That'd be ok I guess.

Today I just can't get comfortable. Last night was the same. Add a 65 pound 9 year old kid to the sleeping arrangement and life gets really tough. Good thing she's so darned cute.

My stomach is out to >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>here.... and beyond. I feel like I waddle when I walk. I don't remember waddling with the other two except maybe during the last week or weekend when I walked and walked and walked trying to get the darn thing to come out already!

The cat lady has passed away. It's a relief I think for her family. So much to do at her place to even make it remotely sellable...or maybe it will have to be torn down. Not sure if its salvageable. But they now understand what I've been trying to tell them for 8 months. I guess they couldn't fathom it until they experienced it and now they have experienced it.

My 9 year old daughter had a biopsy this week. A mole had gotten darker, larger, and changed shape and we took her to the dermatologist. We could have just said that, since it's growing, we should take it off. But H had to tell her the truth - that it has to come off to be checked for cancer. So now our little worrier has a new anxiety ~ worrying about having cancer and dying. And that is so far from anything I think it might ever turn out to be. Poor thing.

My 13 year old is noticeably gaining weight. No, I don't say anything but I try to steer her to wiser choices. Issues include not liking veggies; loving cheese, cake, butter, salt, soda, ice cream, her dads cookies, etc; and having NO concept of serving size no matter how often we explain it. She's down to ballet once per week instead of two because forensics gets in the way of one of the days. That's a tough work out believe it or not, but she needs more. I keep hoping she'll have a growth spurt before summer to grow into her extra belly jelly.

No names yet for the baby. Ideas have included: Sugaree (dead song), Lilu (5th element), angel (older sisters choice), Liv (norse for "life"), Paz (spanish for peace), Six (with the middle name sixsix).....no, none of those very seriously - except maybe Liv - especially not Six. Oh yes and H wants Cassidy Jayne. I'm just not into that at all.

We just can't decide on anything at all. She may go a while with no name until something works out. Maybe she'll be born a boy after all and then it will be easy. Either Samuel Mitchell or Lincoln Edward.

So, anyway, I feel huge and bloated...and now I have heartburn.

Ciao fer now!

Frustrated by Non Profit/Govt Funds

I am frustrated by the way gov't and non-proft funds are used - at least here. I work with a lot of them and I work with the people who need them. I also work with the people who decide how those funds get used and often I find that it's in a manner more consistent with their personal agendas than with the needs of the people they are supposed to help.

So often I hear those in charge talk about more "strategic" uses of the funds, rather than handing them out person by person or family by family as the need arises. But I'm finding that these "strategic" uses really equate to financing pet projects that are more exciting to them or that make them feel better. They say that they are essentially bored by the repetitiveness of using the funds for individuals as they are intended to be used, and they want to do something bigger, something more grand, something more exciting.

Ok. So do it - but apply for new funds with that bigger, better, more exciting premise spelled out. Don't take the funds away from other programs - cutting the individuals and families out of the picture - to fund your "dream" project. Don't decide that fixing someone's roof so that water doesn't pour into their bedrooms is now not as important as networking and collaborating on 100,000.00 projects. That pisses me off.

For instance. We provide funds to do X project an A and B counties. X projects are essentially crisis projects ~ those where children and families are at significant risk and very much in need. County B then applied their own money - LOTS of it - to do the same thing. So we decide to target our money only for County A since County B had their own. Then my boss goes right past me - the fund administrator - to go to the original funding source and ask for permission to designate all of our remaining funds to his pet project in county B. Permission granted.

Meanwhile I have applications in process for families in both counties. He says I can fund those projects but that's it. I ask why isn't he using the millions that County B has for the same purpose and he says he hadn't thought of it. I express my concern that these very necessary funds will no longer be available for persons in need in County A and he says "i just want to get it spent."

Or how about this one. He drafts a proposal to a committee for a development project that he has his eye on. He asks me to proof read it. While proof reading it I see that he's designated tens of thousands of dollars of other funds that I administer to his pet project without ever asking me if they can be used that way or if they're committed. I explain that those funds can't be used that way - we have a contract that spells out how and where they can be used. So he goes past me again and gets permission to use them from the contract administrator. Meanwhile I am turning people away who need the money now, so that he can sit on the money until he's ready to use it next year. 100,000 sitting there and only 15k or less available to me.

Or, how about how we sat on over 300K for several years while I was told not to market it or spend it??? I told them time after time that they can't sit on it, they have to spend it or it will be taken away and not be available to the people who need it. Finally they get a letter that says, give us a plan or we'll take it back. So they give a plan, which takes another year to implement and, instead of helping the 15-25 very low income households that they could have, they use it to make a loan to themselves to create 4-6 affordable housing units for rent or resale to low income households.

Not a bad premise - just that that's not what the funds were for and so many more could have been helped if they'd just used the funds over the past several years. I don't call that strategic.

All of this done with the consent of the next highest power. That person, Ed, can't fathom the issues that the people on the lowest rung of the ladder deal with. It's so far away from Ed that he can't even imagine that it's worth the effort.

I'm tired of turning people away because, basically, their story just isn't interesting enough. I'm tired of moving people ahead because they are in a community with certain political ties to us. I'm tired of always feeling like I'm lying and cheating the people who can never afford to be cheated.

There are other things besides just the money. There are other practices that occur, typically in the name of appeasing Ed, which really go against my grain. These things, supported by my boss who is supposedly so value based, which are almost lies aimed at getting us - or someone with whom we're associated - a better deal. I express my concerns and spell out how I think it's fraudulent or wrong and I'm told I have to go ahead.

In this point in my life where I am always feeling so insecure in my work - like I could be cut or eliminated at the drop of a hat - I feel reluctant to challenge directives. But I should have said no. I am clear now in saying what I think about the redirection of funds - mind you none of it is illegal or fraudulent, just not ethical in my mind - but it does no good. I feel like I have no purpose here anymore. What is the point?