The Answer

Wasabi

Addict

Oh my gosh! I am SO addicted! It's such a rush. It actually changes my mood ~ makes it better. I think it even changes my breathing. I'm dying for some right now, but the darn copy guy is here and I can't leave until he's done. That's the only downside to being here alone ~ being prisoner to whatever visitors happen to arrive.

Yesterday I had some extra and I contemplated saving it just to use straight...to bring it to work. But I didn't. I thought it was weird. But when I threw it away I hid it below some other trash so H wouldn't see it. After all I took the $20 he'd left on the table and used it to get my fix. Later I actually thought about going and pulling it out....eeewww! Of course I didn't!

Today I am thinking about it. I can almost smell it...feel it. I know I will get some as soon as copy guy leaves and I can leave here for a bit.

What is it?

Chain of Events

Called in Well on Monday (my b-day)

Found out Wed. that H was taking kids to Six Flags on Thurs.

Fret over whether to work on Thurs. to catch up as planned, or go with fam to S.F.

H tells me I have a mental problem and practically pushes me out the door to work on Thurs.

I am too distressed to go to work and wind up in a city an hour away - on a whim

Do some shopping - of course I can barely spend money because....well, I have a mental problem

Later I head home to chill

At home I find:

• two cars I dont recognize
• music so loud it can be heard in the next town; AAAAAAND
• a bevvy of bikini clad 20 something college co-eds partying poolside on my patio!

They don't see or hear me arrive

I go inside - irritated....knowing these are H's employees

Look out the window in time to see blondie shimmie off her bottoms to pee in the corner of the yard under a pine tree....next to our wood fence w/two inch gaps between our yard and our neighbors.....

Make my presence known

Call H to see if he told them they could be here

Hang up on him upon hearing that he did

Stew...steam....clean a bit

Go outside and do yard and pool work.....they leave

Relax...

Watch chick flick

Eat sushi w/wasabi and tuna sashimi

Write in my journal...the new, substantial, bound in leather w/lightly lined gilded edge pages, journal that I just spent $25 on during my brief run away episode to the city

Carry on with my life

Wuzzup

Elderly: Since the last time I posted about the laundry horror story for El, I have gone back for a thorough cleaning. As thorough as it is possible to be. I worked just prior to the arrival of, and alongside, two service master employees. I cleared rooms and hauled out trash, as well as things that used to be beautiful but now are ruined by cat waste, and filled an entire 4 yd dumpster by myself. Yes, filled it to the top.

I scrubbed the chairs, the tables, the windows, the walls, and anything else that I could. Service master shampooed the rugs. They looked remarkably clean, but everything still smelled just like the deepest part of a dirty litter box. Disheartening to say the least.

I was covered in grime and sweat and cat hair by the end of the day and traveled home with the usual "do you smell what I smell" grimace on my face.

She fell today. She insisted on trying to help me outside while I was scrubbing chairs and she slipped on the wet grass. Neighbor came running over eager to help. She was leaning on me at that point getting her bearings.

Note to all: when an elderly person falls you never pick them up. Let them lean on you and get their bearings and, as much as possible, let them get themselves up using you as leverage. If you try to provide the muscle you risk injuring them.

Neighbor shoos me aside and wraps his arms around her under her arms and YANKS her off the ground. Now THAT hurt her. Then he shows her to the door, introduces himself to me, and says "if you ever need anything let me know." Hey, wanna help rip out this urine encrusted carpet??? Didn't think so.

Anyway. She won't let me coordinate repairs. If I could fit her through my program I would. But she has plenty of money. She just doesn't think there's anything wrong with how she lives. She's not taking her meds. She's just failing. I can't help her. I don't know what to do. I can't bring myself to go to her home because I know she'll want me to go inside. I can't. I know that I said I would. But I can't.

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Work: Just found out that they are hiring a manager at a level one up from me for a temporary contract that should be within my dept. Now, if they have no budget for me or my work, how is it that they can afford to hire a higher level manager at a greater salary for a contract that is only temporary and which, by itself, doesn't even come close to providing enough support dollars? Priorities.

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Home: Being audited.....again. Last year I thought we had this settled. I asked for a payoff amount. We paid it off. Today they say, oops - there's more due from 1998. Conveniently just inside the 7 year cut off for auditing. But of course this is something different than what they said we owed last year.

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Life: It's all lies. It's so hard to keep my chin up when I'm constantly afraid of getting slapped.

Unbelievably Unhappy

I am unbelievably unhappy. It's amazing how, when a person feels this bad, there is nobody to share that with ~ at least not without feeling like the listener is being burdened. Who wants to dump a bunch of negativity on a friend, or a loved one??? So blogger, you get the to carry the load.

I am so unbelievably unhappy it's difficult to function. It's difficult to be awake without crying. Maybe that's why depressed people sleep so much ~ because if they were awake, they'd be crying constantly??

No - I don't think I have it that bad. It's not a medical issue. Nothing that could be cured with medication. It might make me care less about the real cause, but it wouldn't fix it.

It washes over me mid-day Sunday, when I begin to watch the clock, dreading every passing minute that brings me closer to sleep. Once I sleep I know it will only be a minute until I have to go. It will feel like just a few seconds until I have to be back at work.

It grows as the day wears on, and I become more edgy and irritable, more needy and just want to lean up against H and feel the security of being at home.

By Monday morning I'm drenched in anxiety and depression, my mind never stops racing through all the things I hate about where I'm going.

I think that I have been headed down this road for about four years ~ ever since the first big change came. When I first had to split my time between two counties and two bosses and two jobs in the same company. When I had no choice. When I first had to start sacrificing my family and my planned existence to satisfy the employers needs, and to ensure that everyone else in my department didn't get their hours cut.

Each time my office was moved to satisfy someone else's needs, or more work was heaped upon me because someone else couldn't do it or some other staff person wasn't being replaced. Each time I relied upon a promise of "it will get better when.....(fill in the blank)". Each of those times I lost a little bit of my self assurance, a little bit of my value, a little bit of my purpose at work.

So, finally I'm in the last place. I've finally "joined" a permanent division/department. My work has merged into their space. But we are two very different and separate entities. I am still just one, and they are even more of a team then they ever were.

There is no more hope in me. Not here. This has become a place of disillusionment for me. The promises are filled based on someone else's vision of what is right. The location is based on someone else's need. The scope of work is based only on dollars and not at all on the purpose and the function.

I've got the Director, but he rarely has time for my work. I've got the location, but have no room. I've got the job, but have no budget. I have the work, but have not the time or staff to make it happen effectively. I have the job, but not the title or authority to impact the vision.

Who is constantly called into question for this? Me. If it's a system problem, it's my system. If it's a time problem, it's my time management. If it's a staff problem, it's ...... well, me. If it's a money problem, it's too bad.

Last week must have been the straw that broke the camel's back. Our division - two departments - completed their contracts last week on schedule. One department, with office staff, assistants, field crews, inspectors, qc staff, a manager, and a customer service rep, rec'd a party. At that party they rec'd thanks from the powers that be, some cheesy t-shirts, clothing allowance checks, bonuses, and merit days.

The other dept., mine, with only me, rec'd nothing.

So today, the day after the weekend and before the holiday, when the entire division is off on a merit day - in fact they are off all week - I am the only one working. Ok, right now I've taken a break, but that's only because I started crying in the middle of completing a report. DUH!

I am unappreciated. I am undervalued. I am discounted. I am lost. I am feeling so incredibly unhappy. And....I don't know how to recover.