Inconsequential

Its ALL inconsequential (sp?). Did it ever occur to anyone else that we're all just killing time? That everything that we do in this life is just a distraction - to keep us from thinking about the fact that this planet is only temporary? Our planet, probably like a million others throughout time, is evolving and transforming and is not everlasting. It's just a physical, almost living, thing. I say almost living just based on the paradigm within which society seems to understand and label things....so I guess I may be limited by the same paradigm. Maybe it IS living. Maybe we're all just parasites living on and off of another living organism. Who's to say we're not?

And what if it's all possible right now and we're just too lazy and limited in belief and understanding to take advantage of it? What do I mean by "all" - anything you could possibly imagine. Even things you don't have the capability to imagine - those things that nobody has imagined yet. Because hasn't everything always been possible?

Think about it. Think about the advances in every area of science, engineering, understanding of the human mind and body, etc. over the past 200 years. But if all of that is possible now, wasn't it also possible then? Yes - just maybe nobody even thought about it being possible. If they thought about it, couldnt' they have discovered ways to make it so?

200 years ago the first generation (figuratively speaking) discovered A. WOW! The next generation already having a knowledge of and belief in A, dared to imagine B and poof! there it was. The next generation, already accepting of A and of B, dreamed of and manifested C. And so on and so on. The only thing that kept the first generation from getting to C, or even Z, or beyond was an inability to understand and imagine that it could even exist.

No - I'm not cracking up. It's just that the world seems so inane right now. All of the things we focus on, depend on, exist for are ridiculous. We must work. Who says so? We must have style. Who says so? We must have gender roles. Who says so? We can't personally fly. Who says so? If someone had the freedom of thought and spirit to believe that they could fly, who says they couldn't? What if we can?

We spend so much of our lives trying to fit into and live up to some societal standard. But we all, at least I hope we all, grow to find at some point in our lives that it's the less cerebral things that are important in our lives. It is the matters of the heart and soul that bring us to our pinnacle of life, that give us the greatest joy and the greatest fulfillment, that complete us as humans. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be a way to embrace that fully. There doesn't seem to be a way to live that.

Sometimes it all seems such a huge waste of human energy.

Not as Profound As I Planned

I had something much more profound to say today - it was a great thought about "choice". That's really all I'm going to say about it because my focus just shifted - ha ha what else is new.

I coordinated, co-designed, co-wrote, and was the lead coordinator for a collaborative grant application this summer. It was the first time I've ever been "in charge" of one and it was really just plopped in my lap with no warning. We had a volunteer consultant help with some of the more technical writing and piece together the various components of the narrative to make it flow. So it was hardly a one woman deal by any stretch.

The apps are scored and there is competition for them across the state - funding has been cut drastically (thanks Prez). Yesterday I found that we were not only funded - we were funded for the entire amount we requested! While that means more work I couldn't help but feel happy about it.

Boss is away at a conference where he heard through the grapevine we had been funded. A letter confirmed it and I sent out confirmations to all of our grantee partners and all of the exec and finance management here. I also left a vm message for boss so he'd know it was official.

Late last night Boss also sent out a message (cc'd to me) to all of the people I'd already sent to. No - no response to me from the message I sent, but everyone responded to his message (cc'd to me).

It's so darn frustrating!!! I sent e-mails to the ED with important information and days later she'll ask me a question that tells me she never read my e-mail. Yes I've verified that they are being received and it's not an e-mail glitch. Yes it makes me feel small and insignificant. Yes it makes me feel that communicating with ED and other Exec Admin staff is pointless because maybe they see my name and just skip over that message.

It's so frustrating and demoralizing. Yes it's only e-mail, but it sets a tone .... it's indicative of a attitude. If she doesn't read my e-mails and then asks me days later about something it's because she thinks I haven't done it or addressed it. If she'd read my e-mail then she'd know that I had.

Really? Does she hate me? I mean there was that whole rant episode where she sort of freaked out on me. Then recently I asked her if she'd rec'd a piece of correspondence from one of our funding sources that I had been expecting - a lot of things have to get sent to her based on protocol. She responded. "No, I haven't seen it. Did you check with 'mark'? Maybe 'mark' rec'd it. Did you ask 'mark'?" Now say that sentence out loud - how does it sound to you? Irritated? It does to me because she said the guys name three times and asked me twice if I'd asked him about it within the range of a line and a half.

It's really weird. If you work closely with her, i.e. you work at her location, you are "in". If you have a Masters in anything, you are "in". If you fit into neither of those two categories, she wouldn't know the difference between you and a pile of crap.

Can you believe that she is going through a "communication" class? She did an interview with my boss, her subordinate, for a class paper. The topic - his opinion on her communication skills. A. what the hell is he going to say except good things? B. why the hell didn't she ask me - I have a few things to say about her communication skills. C. I'm getting really sick of this.

Ok Im done. Time to get to work.