A Prayer

Dear God please somehow help me focus on my work. Please help me lose this totally chaotic anxiety ridden feeling that I just can't make it work. Please help me make it work. I ask that you give me the peace of mind and the mental and physical ability to take all of this mess and make something very positive of it. However you choose that it should come out, I'm good with that - just please let it come out soon.

Amen

Who is he?

I lay awake in bed this morning thinking. I couldn’t sleep, had financial statements to review in prep for an important meeting this morning, didn’t want to roll out of bed. My room was dark and cozy and I stretched out with my arms behind my head and stared at the ceiling, conscious of H’s steady breathing beside me.

At 5 a.m. I heard the side door slam at our neighbors house and, knowing that meant they were “tying” out the beast, I covered H’s one exposed ear so he wouldn’t hear the deep coarse repetitive barking. One WOOF, two…, door slams, it’s done. Didn’t take long at all this morning. Our plaintive cries for quiet, from our bedroom window, must be paying off.

Our friends are splitting up. Ran into T in the store yesterday and he said K called him to say he needed to move out by the weekend. To date, at least as far as T is admitting, K is not saying why – just that she needs space. A few weeks ago he had been banished to the mother-in-law apartment attached to their home. He buried himself in unpaid tile work at our home for a good week as a means to maintain his sanity.

Last night, after hearing about T’s situation, I remembered that I was supposed to go to K’s house for a “random product” party. At the party, some of K’s new friends were swapping T barbs with K. I thought that was odd. Wonder if they’re behind the split? Not for me to know at this point.

Any rate – later when talking with H about the split he commented on their issues. He said that K wants T to do more work around the house, just like he wants me to do more work around the house; K wants more sex, just like H wants more sex. I said – why don’t you go marry K?

That’s about where I tuned out. Once insulted the rest is lost on me. So this morning I lay awake in bed thinking.

Thinking about H’s socks on the living room floor; his milk glass, cookie crumbs, cookie container, and glass w/straw that were probably still sitting on the coffee table from last night; the cookie pans and cooling rack and crumbs that were probably still on the kitchen counter; the HUGE wrinkly pile of laundry he hauled up from the basement and stuffed into a dirty laundry bin so he wouldn’t have to fold it; the end to end counter full of dirty dishes I came home to yesterday after he’d been home all day; and other similar things.

I thought about how, when I come home to that I know he’s still expecting me to whip up some great dinner. And, if I don’t, he is unhappy and I never cook.

I thought about how after cleaning all of that up, helping our daughters with their homework, and cooking a meatloaf and extras, we ate dinner at 9 – at which time he retired to the tv leaving me to clean the dishes….for the second time that night. I hadn’t had a moment since I got home from work.

I thought about how his attempts at sex are just that….attempts at sex. How devoid of emotion it is. It consists largely of random grabs of my breasts, my butt, or my …… maybe exposing himself and expecting me to drop to my knees. That’s about as far as romance goes these days.

Somehow, with that type of a pre-cursor, and after a days worth of random criticisms and comparisons to women he things are better, and a total lack of recognition for anything I do, I’m not inclined to participate. Go figure.

So, I’m angry and I’m hurt. Who is he to constantly throw out these spontaneous negative comments out of left field, to disrespect me and disregard me, to not consider MY needs, and then to want more.

Really, who exactly is he?

Question

Oh my gosh this day is going slow. I know I just said Fridays are Freaking Fabulous, but this last few hours is drrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngggggggggg.....

Anyway I just saw something that made me think of this question: "What is in your car?" Really - what do you have? I have:

• about six paper straw wrappers from various soda's purchased at drive throughs;
• about 7 or 8 Wal-Mart receipts because one of these days I'm going to actually check to see where all of my debit card purchases are going (obviously all to Wal-Mart);
• a stack of kids school related papers
• a comb
• my meds
• about 42 keys for work
• a dragon...i think - unless lillun took it w/her to school today
• caulk
• water softener salt
• a monk chant cd (don't ask)
• an opera cd
• a half full bottle of dasani rolling around on the floor of the front seat
• numerous coins in my soda holder thingy
• lillun's wallet (borrowed money for a dew out of it - hey! it was there!)
• a grey sweatshirt

That's it for me. How bout you?

Fabulous Friday!

Friday is freaking fabulous! Who doesn't love Friday? Even Friday morning is fab...even if I have to work!! It's so full of promise - it promises that I don't have to go to work tomorrow! I trust it.

I have a part time assistant!! I'm excited. She's a hard worker and has a clue - does it get better than that??? Not for me!

A few days ago our shower floor failed, my H had a nasty migraine and he was a jerk, my daughter fell down the stairs and twisted her ankle, a nasty storm came through and littered the pool with crap right after it was cleaned, and my other daughter came down with pink eye. That was all in one day!

Today, the shower floor is relaid and drying, H is cured and being sweet, my lil ankle twister is running around, the pool is clean...and warm, and my other daughter is well and back in school ....AND...AND....H came and took me to lunch at my fave place (Noodles).

And OHMYGOSH! Blogger has simplified the whole process of adding photos!! I'm going to add one - my b4 and after - cuz I'm getting the hair lopped off this weekend. Ok so it's only 2-4 inches - but you can lop 2-4 inches!

So Friday is Freaking Fabulous!!!!!!!

Peace Love and Power,
Jules

I am....

Spectacular!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two Showers, Two Weeks

Yes you heard me correctly. Two showers in two weeks. That is what I have 'enjoyed' thanks to my husbands absolute NEEEEEEEED for a do it yourself showcase tile shower! It is the hazard of being married to a person who is in the homes of the rich and nearly famous every single day. Unfortunately he has not realized that the rich and nearly famous are not do it yourselfers - they can afford to hire the professionals!!

So, after two days of enjoying our beautiful - if slightly flawed - shower, we are again without one and will be tearing out the floor and rebuilding it. Ta DAH!

Back to trudging down two flights of stairs to the cold (but thankfully dry) basement to hunch over a utility sink to wash my hair while trying to stand upright enough to keep my hair from touching the green paint that is peeling up from the bottom of said sink. I was thinking of cutting my hair for just this reason when the shower materialized. Now I think I will cut it after all.

Then I get to stand on the bath mat on the cold concrete floor near the drain and do my best to wash the rest of me without the benefit of being able to have water cascading from my head on .....down.

Don't worry. The shower curtain installed wall to wall at the base of the basement stairs lets people know not to come down because the basement is currently functioning as a very large very cold shower. At least I have privacy.

Poor H is devastated. He, as usual, relied on the advice of friends completely discounting any input from me because, well, I'm just a dumb girl. Now he must pay the price. I say he because it will be HE doing the work. Do we have any money left for new tile, new concrete, new grout, new thinset, etc.? Nope.

Should we, instead of demolishing a perfectly functional tub/shower, have invested those thousands into replacing the barely functional kitchen???? Hmmmmmmm....uh.....YES!!! I have a short counter between stove and sink, then another 3 or so feet of counter. Plenty you think? Maybe, IF the fridge wasn't in such a position that you'd have to be a snake in order to slither into the gap between the side of the fridge and that 3 or so feet of counter. Would have made much more sense.

Who was it that suggested that??? Let me think..... OH YEAH! That was me - the dumb girl.

When will I be heard?

Happy Happy Joy Joy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!

no...i dont have anything particularly happy to post about but all of my titles suck so im just trying to break the monotony (sp?)

Dyin again

I know that's not how you spell it - but it works phonetically. How dumb is that? I can spell phonetically but can't spell die-ing????

I'm drowing in my over abundance of work and am afraid that I'm finally going to go under and not come back up. Somehow there might be some relief in that....if it weren't for the expense of owning a house.

Today was not nearly as bad as yesterday as I was coming to work. It wasn't total despair I was feeling - just sort of a general sense of "whatever". But yesterday, in the second half of the day, I was really up and ended up staying late at work to make sure I got through a bunch of things. Yesterday also afforded me the opportunity to send a list of my true work responsibilities to the 2nd in command. It was not totally un....what's the word for "not requested"? Anyway. There was a purpose beyond just saying hey look at all that I do!

Maybe that helped me feel a bit better. UNSOLICITED - that was the word.

Soooooo it was a long night but I remained well caffeinated and got through it just fine. Wrapped it up with a 10 pm swim in the pool at the perfect temp of about 83 degrees. Then I had dinner. In that order.

OH! My 11 year old daughter shaved her legs for the first time last night. I told her she could this year (6th grade) and today was going to be gym so she decided last night was the night. Nevermind that she wears shorts and skirts every day anyway - somehow gym made it different. I did not realize how hard it is for the first shave - not sure why but it takes forever to get all that baby hair off. She's still a bit patchy - but it's blonde so not too noticeable. It doesn't help that we still don't have a shower - and we don't have a tub. So she sat on a cabinet next to the utility sink in the basement. Memorable?

I cannot function in chaos. Work is chaotic and my focus shifts with each incoming call or visiting staff person. Then I end up with stacks of unfinished stuff that comes back to bite me in the ass later. At home there is not yet a place for everything so everything is everywhere and it's making me edgy. I cannot relax. I go from one chaotic dysfunctional environment to another....over and over and over.

Even though I started back in mid-July, I still have not gotten past two full chapters of the "7 Habits". I bet that's due to not practicing the 7 habits. But dammit if they would just list the 7 habits and tell me on what page they talk about each of them, it would be much easier to get through!!

Starting to ramble. I'll shut up now.