June Cleaver Gets Tha Blues

Today I'm feeling anxious, a lil depressed, lost, and completely without focus. It’s fair to say that I’ve become unmotivated, disinterested, and have experienced a huge loss of energy where work is concerned. When I first came to this location I remember seeing K’s enthusiasm and motivation – like a kid fresh out of school and anxious to please and succeed. When I saw that I clearly remember feeling wistful ~ remembering the days when I felt like that too, and I missed it. If I felt like that now - if it was about someone else and not me - maybe it would all be bearable.

Last night I had terrible and strange dreams. I dreamt that this awful dirty hugely fat naked man was chasing me and one of my co-workers. I was totally afraid and desperate to get away but I could barely move when I was running as hard as I could. My co-worker was always in front of me and going too darn slow, but I didn't want her to get caught either.

The co-worker in my dream – she’s never been in one of my dreams. She went on vacation to NM, then called to extend it, then didn’t come back. Her family came back, but she stayed there. That’s reality – not part of the dream. Wish I could do that.

About a year ago I was dealing with this totally inept person at another company that we subcontract with. I constantly caught him in and called him on his lies. There was some level of pleasure in that for me I must admit. Even though I knew that the reason for his ineptitude was partly due to the fact that he had more work than one person could possibly do. One day he called in sick, then another, then another, then he didn’t call and he didn’t come back. Secretly I admired him for being able to walk away in the middle of the mess and wished I could do the same.

Every Sunday night when I know that with the morning comes another day at the office, I am filled with anxiety and fear and sleeplessness. As though if I just stay awake reading or watching tv, the morning will never come. The night seems longer when you’re awake than when you’re sleeping. Sometimes I feel so trapped, like there are no choices, like they have me under their thumb ~ it’s a hopeless sort of feeling.

This morning as I was driving to work, I looked down for a second. When I looked up I was nearing the center line as one of those trucks that carries cars to dealers was coming towards me. It was an easy and effortless adjustment to move back. It didn’t even startle me. At that moment I thought, if I hadn’t looked up it would all be over now and I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. Poof. Then I said to God that I didn’t really mean it – I think of my children and I’d never in a million years leave them. It’s only how ennui I feel that makes me think those things.

It must be PMS. Every month I go through a phase when I’m short with my kids, easily irritated, think dark thoughts, feel anxious and out of control. PMS compounded by a job where I’m not happy, fear of my new financial responsibilities, and ice cream right before bed. lol

Twice I’ve caught myself saying “I want to run away… I just want to run away” out loud and in front of my children in a moment where it’s appropriate to nothing. Just for the record I would never never never run away from my family – just my work and the pressures that go with it. I don’t feel any loyalty to them because I don’t think they have any loyalty to me. First and foremost is my family.

In a perfect world……I would be June Cleaver. I wonder if she ever felt like it was all too much for her?

J

What tha FRICK!!!

I finally get a few minutes to surf blogs and all I come across is advertisements. Can't blogger separate ads from regular blogs and allow you to browse only "real" blogs. GRRRRR!

It's just Life

That's my determination. That's just life. Isn't it weird? All of us going through the motions of every day life based on what we each think is important or what someone else has taught us is important.

I'm so grateful that my mother taught me it was ok to skip school to see the ice capades or go to the zoo, that it was ok to skip the dishes and go to the park, and how to wile away the days making snow angels or splashing in a pool or spend an entire day watching movies.

Unfortunately she also ingrained in me the absolute need for security and the feeling that security is based on money and money can only come from a good honest hard days work. Ok - not entirely unfortunate. At least I have the ability to hold a job. But that being said it's such a focus of my daily existence.

I've been here 13 years and don't feel that remarkable for having had the experience. Am I lucky? Depends on your point of view. I might just be inhibited - afraid to move on, unable to embrace my freedom as a thinking being feeling human. Poor girl, she doesn't have the courage to pick up and move on. Or, I might be the luckiest person to have remained employed for all this time at the same place, to have five weeks paid vacation plus holidays, to have a reasonable salary that I can live on, and even to have had enough money contributed by my employer into my 403b that it provided a downpayment on a house. Lucky me. Now I'm really inhibited.

But it is lucky and I'm a schmuck for not recognizing it 24/7.

Still it seems so ridiculous to spend so much of my life serving someone else's need solely for the purpose of being able to serve my own needs one or two hours of each day, and possibly several year at the end of my life. Every bit of the purpose of my life revolves around what other people need. My employer, my family, my classmates, my clients, other members of society.

Last night I sat in my three season room with my daughter looking out at the pool. We'd spent the evening painting trim, shelves, and closets. I said "you're so lucky." And it went on from there. She's so lucky that she gets to go to a private school where she's really happy and the teachers are not just teachers, they're your neighbors and your family friends and members of your church. She's so lucky that she gets to live in a nice home in a nice neighborhood and even has a pool! She's so lucky that the thought of not having "things" just doesn't enter her mind. She's so lucky that she has a mom and a dad and she's close enough to her Aunts and Grandparents that she just calls them up and chats whenever.

I told her about when I was young and my mom worked 7 day weeks and 12 or 14 hour days at a job she hated. When she had enough and picked us up and we moved to our family cottage where the heat came from a wood burning stove and there was no insulation.

When I was a kid .... we hauled buckets of water from a pump in the yard every morning. I would hurry and do it so that nobody driving by and no neighbors would see me do it. Then we'd pour it into pots and heat it for washing up. In the winter, if we hauled it the night before, it would sometimes be frozen on top by morning. When the social worker called to ask "does your mom have water in the house yet?" I said yes. I didn't lie - there was a bucket of it right in the kitchen.

When I was a kid .... mom traded in the wood burner for a natural gas space heater. In the winter we'd stand in front of it to get warm while we got dressed. We'd hang our clothes over it to warm them before we put them on and put our shoes right on the grille on the top because otherwise they were freezing cold. Eventually we bought an electric dryer so we could warm our clothes in it.

When I was a kid .... ice formed on the walls INSIDE the house and we sometimes slept with hats and coats on and hot rocks in the foot of our beds.

When I was a kid ..... i can remember a time when we had nothing to eat but home made bread and grape jelly. To this day I remember that time every single time I see grape jelly. I remember being envious of other kids and their bologna sandwiches and chocolate milk or soda. Thank God for hot lunch and the "free lunch program."

When I was a kid .... I made up stories about my dad to explain his absence. He's a fireman in Chicago. He's dead. or my personal fave.... "I don't have one, I'm a gift from God"

When I was a kid .... i was so embarrassed about where and how I lived that I NEVER brought friends home. I always found a way around it and met up with them somewhere else - even if I had to walk two miles to get there. Try dating and running that scam! Still I ended up relatively popular, having plenty of friends, just a few close ones, and learned to work an angle.

My kids never had to deal with any of this and they are so lucky. We are so lucky.

Planets Align

So things are somewhat worked out - at least enough for me to feel calmer and get a good nights sleep. Yes I still dreamt about work and about missing deadlines, but I did not wake up with clenched fists.

Yesterday at a meeting I was pleased to find that my boss observed other staff eminating negativity while I maintained my composure and professionalism and remained reasonable and even accomodating - thereby diffusing a potentially volatile situation. I hadn't really even realized it - it's just the way I do things. Point proven.

That morphed into a subsequent conversation about my frustrations over HC's apparent lack of value for me and my contributions, the fact that while other staff have been assisted, protected, defended, and rewarded I have been left to fend for myself and my department relatively ignored. There was discussion and some plans for resolution. Overall I felt better - I was heard.

Wait - it gets better.

The office administrator - OA - stops me later to talk to me. In the course of convo she talks about how much she admires me, and goes so far as to say she aspires to be like me. She says she observes how polished and professional I am, she tries to emulate my method of speech and use of language. She says when she thinks about who or what she wants to be, she aims for achieving traits she sees in me. Isn't that cool?!

So I left feeling pretty good ..... other than the raging headache that took hold after all the stress was released.

My horoscope said I had a house to decorate. It also said I had to get through some muck and work towards moving forward in a more positive direction. Finally it said (last week) that someone was admiring me and really noticing my professionalism at work. Weird!

So I went home to work on decorating my house. There's wall paper to be removed! Turns out a bunch of people showed up to swim with their kids and we cooked out and hung out on the deck. Much more relaxing, but still I was exhausted by the time I got home.

Some anger projected from the kids next door who are mad that they can't swim in the pool at will any more. The previous owner was never home and let them do that with parental supervision, but he told them to hold off once we bought it until we determined what our neighbor policy would be. Wasn't that sweet of him? He hugged me when he finally left - just before he pulled away with the last load. Such a nice man.

Soooo I'm gonna get back to work. This was my lil break.

Peace,
J

Karmic Energy

This is a long rant....a vent. I'm not sure if it will do any good and you may not want to waste your time reading it. It's more just because I need to get it out there or I will explode! I can't get through a freaking moment without thinking of it. I've cried every day since it occurred and I don't see an end for a while - until I can get it hashed out on the work front.

Maybe I F'd up my Karmic energy. God! I was feeling soooooooo great! I was worried that I was too proud or too sure of myself and of how things were going. Maybe I was feeling a bit above something or someone else. Maybe I had bad thoughts or did bad things. Maybe it was all of that. Or maybe it was the little bit of worry that created the negative energy that has now just bit me in the ass.

It all started with an e-mail. The head of the Co. (we'll call HC) sent me an e-mail requesting that I make some copies of some docs for an investment partner that was coming for a visit. Reasonable request since I was the one coordinating his visit and taking him around to various projects. Now keep in mind we work in a pretty informal atmosphere and I'm very comfortable communicating with HC in general.

The docs were at HC's location, two miles from my office, and I sent this e-mail:

"There is a thin binder in the front of the drawers for the [projects] that contains copies of those - the end of the drawers closest to your office. [The Fiscal Mgr] knows where they are. Maybe [the Admin. Assist.] can make copies?"

The response I got was a relative rant. It was not appropriate to the nature of my request and is too long for me to include. The point of it was that HC was considerably miffed at the notion that I told him to do it himself - which I did not. It went on to say that I apparently view people at the HQ office as annoyances - which I do not. Then it went on about my position, its intended function, that if I cant handle my work load I should talk to my direct supervisor, that he acknowledged I was busy but so was everybody else, and that I must still go over to make copies of the docs. It started with "let me offer some gentle mentoring". It stated that I need to make some changes to my communication style. It said this is not the first occurence.

My jaw literally dropped and I was stunned. All this in response to my request that the admin assistant make the copies?? He could have responded that no, this person didn't have the time. Or he could have said, why don't you ask the admin assistant if she has time. Or he could have said, I'd prefer you handle it so we're sure we don't miss anything. Any of those would have been reasonable responses.

I couldn't figure out what he meant about repeat occurences. There's nobody I've been annoyed with and I haven't had any disagreements. If anything, all I hear about me is that I'm flexible, a good communicator, a catalyst for team work, and personable - easily likeable. Who could be complaining about me??? I racked my brain and couldn't come up with anything I'd done to offend. So, I asked. I asked by e-mail and I asked in person - HC gave no response....wouldn't or couldn't offer anything up.

Why would HC assume the worst from my very short e-mail? Why would he assume that someone with no history of being antagonistic or irritable suddenly got flip with him in a short 3 line e-mail about such a small small thing? Why would someone assume such a negative thing about me? That was hurtful and it leaves me feeling self conscious and judged. I feel like every time I go over to that office everyone is looking at me and someone is glad I got my ass kicked.

Either HC had some other issues he was dealing with that day that caused him to respond so inappropriately to me, or there is some negative feeling he has about me that he's never conveyed or talked through with me which influenced his response. Something that's been building. If that's the case I feel I'm due either an apology or an explanation.

If indeed people have been complaining about me, why would THEY assume the worst about my intentions if I've never in my 13 years here ever given them reason to think that I have even the slightest negative feeling toward them? And why wouldn't I be entitled to know who and what and correct whatever happened?

And - since HC brought up within the e-mail all kinds of things about my position and my workload...lets talk about that.

Over the past many years while staff have been cut and not replaced, but work has remained. My workload has gotten bigger and bigger. When they eventually took some chunk of it away and moved me to a new location, it was replaced with more...and more. When I took over work that other people couldn't manage - they were treated with sympathy and understanding and I am treated like a completely unwanted pain in the ass. Why am I treated with disdain over a heavy work load and other people are protected and treated with tenderness?

This leaves me feeling wholly unappreciated and completely unmotivated. I thought this morning...what if I kept driving and didn't go to work? I can't get past this.

Then I found that another employee had the exact same run in with HC on the exact same day. Also "gently mentored" about communication style.

So here's my other theory. HC is just very controlling, right down to what someone should say when, and how. I've heard him talking with other people saying "I would say...." and "Be sure to include...." and "Use the words..." or "Use the phrase..." In the course of those conversations - with Exec. Mgmt no less - I've heard him essentially dictate the text of entire letters. So maybe it's all about control. Maybe he was truly miffed that I would dare suggest someone else do something that he asked me to do?

In the end the reasonsing or logic of my request still is moot. In the end, I think out of principle for his argument, he still requires that I drive the two miles over there to copy the docs that are already neatly put together and readily retrievable and copyable, rather than have someone who's already there do it and put it into interoffice mail. The other suggestion was that I have the office assistant here - who doesn't even work with/for me - drive the two miles over there to do the copying and bring it back to me. The interesting thing is that person is not available to me. That's really frustrating to me now.

I'm frustrated that, as a department of one - one person doing the job of 2 to 3 people - I am left hanging in the wind. It's disheartening to see other staff so clearly protected and appreciated while I go relatively unnoticed. Quiet employee who makes no trouble - she must be no good.

When I asked point blank why it is that the dept. that is supposedly at the core of this companies mission and strategic plan is so pathetically understaffed, I was informed 'there just isn't the funding'. Hmmmm well there was enough funding from my dept. to fund a new Exec. Mgr for another dept who didn't have the money. There was enough funding from my dept. to fund an Exec. Mgr for my division - which never before existed. There were enough funds to pay the HC a bonus when a certain investment capital benchmark was achieved with my help. But...hmmmm there's not enough funds to staff the dept.

You would never say there's just not enough money to fund fiscal management. You would never say there's just not enough funds to fund an HC. You would never say there's just not enough funds to fund an Exec. Mgr. No - those are all necessary to the successful function of our company, it's divisions, it's departments, and it's programs. But, you would say there's not enough money to fund the front line that actually runs the programs that provide the money to pay for all of those other things???? HUH?

I give up.