Darn Settings

I have to remember to allow comments lol ~ bloggity blog blog!

Pathetically nice - BLECH!

I am pathetically nice.

Yesterday things got a lil tense on the work front when my work with a particular client ended and I referred him back to a qc person to follow up an issue this client had with his program. The qc person also happens to be a field supervisor - so he's "in charge" of actual people. We are probably on pretty even playing ground based on our positions or level of authority or importance.

Anyway qc is a bit of a drama queen - for a guy. And he was shooting snotty e-mails around in a very defensive and angry manner about things that nobody had any beefs about. My response was just to play it down and acquiesce to certain things and to reassure him that there was no ill will. Another staff person said incredulously "how can you be so NICE?" My reply - it's just easier and not so counter-productive.

And so it goes at home... I was really noticing that last night. On my way home at first I'm apprehensive, then a little depressed, maybe a little angry. After Ken said I should tell H off, I actually found myself going through the motions, out loud, driving home from school on Wed. night. Then, just before I get home I suck it up and try to walk in with a positive and upbeat attitude. Hey honey! Tell me about your day! Can I get you anything?

Yea that's right, I just walked in the door after working eight plus hours and going to school for four and he's in his pj's sprawled across the bed and I'm saying can I get you anything. Because...... I know..... he's been laying there for fifteen minutes waiting for me to get home so I can get him something. I know.

Oh good - my turn to talk about my day. Six words get out of my mouth and his face turns towards the tv, his eyes glaze over, and he says (without looking at me) "would you turn that up?" Sometimes it's not even the tv. His eyes just glaze over and he walks away. No lie. He just gets up and walks away. And I just sit there with my mouth agape - incredulous that this is my life. He says I should not talk about work and I should not think about work. He can...about his work...but I can't.

Despite this, when I'm dead ass tired last night after a hugely exhausting and stressful week, I stay up because he is excited about going back to school and he wants to talk about it. It's important to be open and to encourage that kind of enthusiasm - he needs it. Everyone needs it.

As usual his excitement turns to worry and then to dread and then to absolute defeat when he realizes that the only way he can earn $600,000.00/yr in his desired field is to get a PhD and that's too hard and he's too old and that'll take too long and he wants to retire by 65. I reassure and say he's getting ahead of himself - get through a semester and see how you feel. He's 4 credits shy of being a junior and about 28 shy of his desired degree. Not so bad.

The other day he was throwing the ball for the dog and I walked out to hang out and chat with him. I looked around and commented on how beautiful and green and lush everything looked. He said "sure, until July when the rain stops and it all turns brown and everything is dead." What does a person say to that?

Apply that reaction - his - and that statement to every positive feeling or statement you might ever say and that is what I deal with. This is why I have to force myself every day to suck it up, to be happy, to work around things and people, to get over it. Thank God for blogging or I'd prolly explode.

Chaos Ensues

My Weekly Career Horoscope

You'll have to make up your mind between clients and coworkers or peers early this week, as you won't have time to make everyone happy. Pick a side and stick with it through Wednesday. By then, you might feel exhausted by the competing claims, but at least the pressure should mostly be off. But you still won't feel up to the daily grind, and if you can work at home you'll do much better than you will at the office. Cash flow or some other financial issue will worry you over the weekend; try to respond intellectually and keep your feelings from influencing your decision too much.

My Week So Far

Everyone wants something from me and they want it yesterday. Lenders who want subordinations all think they should take precedence over anything else I'm doing. Contractors naturally want money. Customers want me to bring them the world on a silver platter and scold the contractors for looking at them cross eyed. Other organizations want me to do the leg work for their clients because it's not their job. Guess what....it's not mine either. People with leaky roofs, eviction notices, no jobs, no homes all want me to fix and find all of those things for them. Auditors want numbers. Bosses want reports and updates. Grant writers want data and narratives. Everyone wants it yesterday.

H wants me to take time off to stay home and hold his hand while he's sick, make tea, say and do all the right things, do the laundry, do the grocery shopping, tend to the kids, run errands, answer his business voice mail messages, and never leave his side.

I'm stressed to say the least - most of all over the home thing. I have difficulty dealing with extreme neediness. I understand the value of love and comfort when someone's sick, I try to do what I can. But I also have finals, kids, work, housework, and I'm not feeling so great myself. God forbid I should get sick - because there's just no point to that. A persons body shuts down in an effort to force a person to rest and get well - even if I get sick that opportunity to rest and get well does not exist for me. So the whole purpose is lost and therefore there is no reason for me to get sick.

Yes, mostly its the home thing. Every day to have whatever I did wrong pointed out and harped on. You didn't say hi to me first, you didn't offer to get me tea, you didn't check on me enough, you didn't sit and hold my hand, you didn't get all the laundry done, you forgot to fill out the insurance survey, you forgot to pick up the auto parts, you may not skip church, you didn't buy any orange juice, you didn't discipline the kids right, you disciplined them too much, you didn't remember the right music sheet for someone's lesson, you didn't exercise the dog, you slept at night instead of getting up to keep me company, you spend too much time on home work, you don't spend enough time on home work, you shouldn't think about work, you shouldn't talk about work.

Then come the why's - why did this happen? why didn't that happen? why do you always do this? why do you never do that? Oh and by the way - what did you eat today? Why didn't you work out? Have you joined a gym? Oh and nevermind the 20 lbs I packed on - I'm really just concerned with your body. Oh, and take your vacation days when I need you to but don't think about taking any "personal" days because then you won't be available to take care of the kids when they're sick or to accompany the fam on a trip when I want us to go.

It feels grey. It feels black. It feels foggy and heavy and hard to see through. It's suffocating. It's unhealthy. It's infuriating and frustrating. It's demeaning and belittling. It's hard. It's hurtful.

Not taking any classes this summer. Just planning to focus on home, health, and work. The end. One day a week at the beach, plus weekends of course. Some trainings and conferences. Some reorganization at home and at work. Some new goals. Some reading. Quality time with the babies.

Tonight is my last night of class - my final project presentation for the semester. Then I'm off for the summer. I didn't do as well this semester as last, but I had six more credits than last semester. Still I think it's a B+ or better avg. I'll find out in a few days.

H is ready to enroll in a local U. He met with the Dean of Admissions. Funny thing - I told him to do that over a year ago when he first was denied admission based on past academic performance. I said to go meet in person, talk about your past, your accomplishments, how you've changed, and request reconsideration. That was a stupid idea. Recently a friend suggested the same thing - best advice he ever rec'd.

I'm feeling very thoughtful and pensive these days. Driving through the farm country is the hardest because it feels like freedom. I mean - I know farming is hard work and far from freedom. Maybe it's the appearance of wide open spaces, freshly turned soil, green shoots sprouting all over the hillsides. But it feels like freedom and I just want to pull the car over, walk out into the middle of a field and lay there staring at the sky. Not go to work, not call in, not tell anyone. Of course, once the nice young men in their clean white coats showed up I guess notifications would go out lol.

Life is chaotic now. I'm feeling restless. So glad summer is coming.

How Veddy Odd

Although I deleted all of the entries to my old blog - I had one last thought I wanted to put out there....just in case anyone should stop by. But when I went to log in it told me that the user name did not exist! Not my cookies setting because I can get into this one just fine. Veddy EEnterestink!

Frustrated. Frustrated by people with no common sense. Why must they argue? Why is it so difficult for them to think simplistically and be able to see what's right in front of their face? Why do they have to complicate things with double talk and bureacratic mumbo jumbo? Why can't they just answer the question that you ask instead of answering the one they imagined in their heads as they were driving to work? If you ask "does A come before B?", they respond "yes Springfield is the capital of Illinois." HUH?

I've decided I'm having a mid-life crisis. Here are the clues.

• I wonder to myself..."is this all there is?" Is it all about getting up to go to work. Going to work to earn money. Earning money to pay bills. Paying bills to have food on the table and somewhere to live. Having food on the table and somewhere to live to make it possible for you to sleep so you can get up and go to work??? I finally understand what is meant by "it's a rat race."
• I was driving along and listening to WGN Chicago (the girls) and they started talking about mid-life crises and having people call in to say if they had one, what constituted one, what they did about it. I heard myself call in several times.
• I went into a public bathroom and there was a book laying there that was all about when you start to think "is this all there is?"
• My daughter said I wasn't old because I'm only in my 30's. I asked what will I be in my forties? She replied, "middle aged."

Sigh...

Time's off

It should be noted that I did not post that last post on 5/3. I posted it on 5/2, sometime around 8 pm...ish.

TY for the tip on using the tv show metaphor. And, James, clean up any popcorn that you drop - also no buttery fingers on the furniture.

Peace,
Me

Official

It's official - I've vacated. The curtains are still hanging and my name's still on the mail box but all of the furniture, the artwork, and the personal belongings are gone. I'll do the final clean up in a day or so.

This is my new place and where I'll hang my hat until such time as I feel like it's been invaded and I can't think freely.

You know, Ive seen several other blogs that experienced similar things. People they knew, and who they never intended to read their "journal", became upset over its existence and they either went on long long hiatus or moved altogether.

There are a few readers from before, non-commenters, who don't know about the existence of this. I do vaguely suspect that 'you know who' knows about this and might check in - might even get email notification when I update - and that sort of irritates me.

It was so weird to go back and empty out the old place. I would look at some of the the things I was throwing away and wonder if I should - I mean it really was about me.

It was especially interesting to note the difference in tone from the time of timid move-in, to when I felt comfortable enough to express myself, to feeling guarded enough that I had to alter my place to suit certain visitors. Essentially it wasn't my own place anymore.

So here I sit - supposed to be doing my homework. Did some of it and am blogging in between. Think I'll have a beer.

Ciao,
Jules

Random Weekend Thoughts

Bored
Anxious
Frustrated
Desperate
Trapped
Hopeful
Resentful
Lazy
Protective
Small
Confused
Thoughtful